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Messages - verbie

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Talk Story / Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« on: January 10, 2014, 12:48:03 AM »
A man runs into a gas station, obviously very flustered.
The attendant asks, "You look like you've seen a ghost. What happened?"
The man looks at the attendant and says, in a very shaky voice, "It's horrible. 
Someone just broke into my car when I came in to pay for my gas a minute ago."
The attendant says, "Oh my."
The man continues, losing more coherence as he speaks, "I had a ticket to the Justin Bieber concert 
on Sunday sitting on the dashboard..."
The attendant asks, "Did they take your ticket?"
The man says, barely able to speak at this point, "No, worse. They left another one."
As Franz Kafka awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed into a raging bull elephant. 
He charged around his room with his trunk sticking up making loud trumpeting noises.
The picture of the lady in furs came crashing down, the vase of anemones tipped over.
Suddenly afraid that his family might discover him, Franz stuck his enormous head out of the window
overlooking the courtyard. But it was too late. 
His parents and sisters had already been awakened by the racket, and rushed into his room. 
All of them gasped simultaneously as they stared at the great bulk of Franzís rump.
Then Franz pulled his head and turned toward them, looking sheepish.
Finally, after an awkward couple of minutes, in which no one spoke, Franzís mother went over,
 rested her cheek against his trunk and said, "Are you ill, dear?"
Franz let loose a bloodcurdling blast, and his mother slipped to the floor.
Franzís father was about to help her but noticed the anemones tipped over on the table. 
He threw them out the window, saying, "With Franz like this, who needs anemones?"
I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now. 
I tried to catch some fog. I mist. 
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. 
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. 
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. 
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. 
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down. 
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words . 
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.  
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. 
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory-- I hope there's no pop quiz.
Two archeologists, exploring a remote mountain in Tibet, came across a huge granite statue which
resembled a sitting man. It stood almost 400 foot tall, and its bodily details were accurate down 
to the fingernails and teeth.
"It looks real enough to talk," says one.
"Lets try," says the other, and turning to the statue he asks it its name. No answer.
"How old are you?" No answer.
Finally, one shouts out, "What is the square root of 64?"
Suddenly, the mountain shakes as the giant statue rises onto its feet and puts it's hand on its chin.
Then after about ten seconds, the statue answers in a roaring voice, "EIGHT!"
Of course," says the first scientist, "It only stands to reason."
My oldest sister had made a salad for dinner and served it on everyone's plate before we sat down. 
Coming to the table, Dad caught my four-year-old sister, Amy, poking his salad and told her to stop.
Amy was very quiet all through dinner.
Finally, when the meal was over, Dad asked her, "Amy, why were you playing with my food?"
"I was trying to get the fly out," she replied.
Every night, Frank went down to the liquor store, bought a six pack, brought it home, and drank it while watching TV.
One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there.
The bug grabbed him by the collar, threw him across the room, and left.
The next night, after he finished his fourth beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same
six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his first beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there.
This time he kneed Frank in the balls and hit him behind the ear, doubling him over in pain, then left.
The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out
of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor.
The next day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights.
"What can I do?" he pleaded. 
"Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around".
After all these years of trying I've finally found my wife's G spot.
Would you believe her sister had it all this time!!
The priest of a small Irish village was very fond of the ten chickens (plus one cock rooster) he kept in a hen house
behind the parish manse. One Saturday night, the cock rooster was missing, and as that was the time the priest
suspected cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to say something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation "Has anyone got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no" he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no" he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anyone seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, no" he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen my cock?"
All the choir boys stood up.
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. 
They went shopping at a kennel specializing in this particular breed, and found a dog they liked a lot. 
When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. 
When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity.
They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).
That night they had friends over for dinner. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog 
and his major skills, they had the dog show off a little. 
The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, too.
This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about 'normal' tricks.
"Well," they said, "let's try this out." 
Once more they called out to the dog, and then clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head...
In case you're having a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals.
The funny thing is that it really works and will make you smile.
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so clear that you can make out the face of the Politician you are holding underwater
See it worked! You're smiling. You feel better already!
On a salt packet: "Warning: Contains salt."
On a can of aerosol cheese: "For best results, remove cap."
On an information booklet: "Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet."
On air freshener: "For use by trained personnel only."
On dog medicine: "Alcohol may intensify the effects."
On rubbing alcohol: "Avoid contact with eyes, ears, brain, and surrounding membranes."
On a letter opener: "Safety goggles recommended."
On a travel pillow: "Do not use while sleeping."
On a dust mask: "Does not supply oxygen."
On a disposable razor: "Do not use during an earthquake."
On a box of dice: "Not for human consumption."
On a toy called Rubber Band Shooter: "Caution: Shoots rubber bands."
On a bicycle: "Removing the wheel can influence the performance of the bicycle."
On a disc-shaped chocolate: "Do not place chocolate into any electronic equipment."
On a cleaner for eyeglasses: "Not for or direct use in eyes."
On a birthday badge for two-year-olds (says "I am 2"): "Not to be used by children under 3 yrs. of age."
On a dishwasher: "Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher."
On a can of tuna: "Caution: Contains fish."
On toilet bowl cleaner: "Safe around pets and children, although itís not recommended that either be
                                    permitted to drink from the toilet."
Ad for a $5000, 27ft sailboat
What does Captian Kirk, Popeye, Captain Hook and Tommy Lee have in common?
They are all bad ass people. Why? Because they were all in command of ships.
You should be in command of a ship. You should buy my boat.
I can offer you the opportunity to be in command of this Catalina 27 sailing ship for
about the cost of a lot of the stupid stuff you bought, buy or are thinking about buying.
...I understand you have many options on how to spend your free time.
How you choose to recreate says a lot about a human being.
What I am offering you is the open Pacific Ocean, fishing, going to islands, breathing salty air at sea,
breathing atomic four gas powered exhaust fumes, drinking rum, drinking whiskey, drinking cheap beer,
drinking expensive beer, drinking the dead sea monkeys floating in the drink that your friend backwashed,
spear fishing anything that moves, endless supply of gold colored fish to make into tacos, trapping crabs,
getting crabs, free membership to hbyc, a money pit, a fist pumping teeth grinding laser eating dance platform,
a new kitchen, a boom that might hit you in the head, a $270 slip fee, the ability to t-bone a stand up paddle
boarder, the ability to bbq a t-bone steak, the ability to bone in the v-birth, the chance to see whales,
the improved chance to bring a whale out of najas and tying knots.
These are fine things. These are gentlemanly things.
They certainly beat sitting in car traffic towing your sand rail or three wheeler past a bunch of meth labs to Glamis,
or driving a boat in circles in the std filled cesspool commonly referred to as "the river", or any other so called lake.
Does a real man or woman want to recreate in a standing pool of "fresh water" or in a hot desert with a bunch of
drunk yahoos with engines strapped to their backs?
A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says: "No way. I donít think you can pay for it."
The guy says, "Youíre right. I donít have any money, but if I show you something you havenít seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ainít risquť."
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar
and it runs to the end of the bar, climbs down the bar, runs across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard
and starts playing a tune. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, "Youíre right. Iíve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano."
The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle, or else no drink", says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing.
He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy
and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says, "Itís a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog.
The stranger runs out of the bar.
The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300?
It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."
A very small, mousy man was hired as a bartender in the Old West. 
The saloon owner advised him ,"If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for your life."
The bartender worked for six months with no problems.
Then one day a cowboy rushed in shouting, "Big Johnís a-cominí!"
In his hurry to get out, he knocked the small bartender to the floor.
Before the bartender could recover in came a giant of a man with a black, bushy beard.
He rode in through the swinging doors on the back of a buffalo, using a rattlesnake for a whip.
The man tore the doors off of their hinges, knocked over tables, and slung the snake into the corner. 
Gimme a drink," he yelled, as he split the bar in half with a pound of his massive fist.
The bartender nervously pushed a bottle toward the man.
He bit off the top of the bottle with his teeth, chugged the contents in one gulp and turned to leave. 
Realizing that the man wasnít hurting anyone, the bartender asked if heíd like another drink.
"Ainít got no time," the man roared, "Big Johnís a cominí to town."
A Russian couple, were walking through Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining," he said to his wife. 
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. 
"No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said. 
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major fight about whether it was rain or snow,
when they saw Comrade Rudolph, a Communist Party official, walking toward them. 
"Let's not fight," the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." 
Approaching Comrade Rudolph, they asked, "Tell us, Comrade, is it officially raining or snowing?" 
"It's raining, of course," Comrade Rudolph replied, and walked on. 
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" 
To which the man quietly replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
Dodge City was a rough town. Nevertheless, it had an excellent theatre group. 
One time it planned to perform the Swan Lake Ballet.
On the day of dress rehearsal, it was discovered that moths had gotten into the tutus.
Everything was ruined. The producer placed a call to the Acme Costume Company in Wichita 
and learned they had plenty of tutus. The proprietor promised to ship the much needed garments over on
a special train. They should arrive in plenty of time for the opening.
Back at Dodge, everyone was in a big hurry. Someone needed to go down to the depot and fetch the tutus. 
Butch, the biggest, toughest guy in town offered to do it . So he went to the station and sat down.
When the station master saw Butch, he went over and asked if he might be of help.
Butch replied, "Thanks, but Iím just waiting for the tutu train."
Patrick O'Reilly was lucky.  
Since the day he had found that four-leaf clover, everything good seemed to come his way. 
He had met the wonderful Rosie, and after a whirlwind romance, they were married. 
And now, a year later, he was the proud father of beautiful twins, a boy and a girl. 
At work, the story was the same. 
He had been promoted and had received a substantial raise; now the firm had come up with a profit-sharing plan!  
Paddy was certain his good fortune was due to his four-leaf clover.  
Everywhere he went, he was certain to be carrying the talisman in his suit pocket. 
One morning, Paddy could not find the clover. He searched the house, but it was not there. 
In a panic, he tried to recall when he had last seen it. 
He finally recalled it was in his grey suit he had dropped off at the dry cleaners. 
He rushed to the cleaners, only to find that the work had been completed and his suit was ready to be picked up. 
He searched the suit, and found the four-leaf clover, still in one piece, but now flattened from the dry cleaning. 
From that day on, Paddy's fortunes changed. 
Life was good, but was no longer perfect, the little inconveniences were always there. 
He had a flat tire as he was driving to an important meeting.  
The twins developed measles when his boss and his wife were over for dinner.  
No, Paddy's luck (and life) had changed dramatically. 
He still carried the amulet, but he was certainly not living under the silver lining he was used to, and had come to expect.
Finally, he had had enough, and visited the parish priest to see if he could help him understand what had happened.
"This certainly was to be expected," he was told. "Ye should have known... one should never press one's luck!"
Prince Stone had an enormous moth collection. He had large moths, small moths, moths of all kinds.
When King Stone decided to retire and pass his crown to the prince, he told the boy he must first
dispose of the moth collection and find another hobby.
"Why is that, father?" inquired the prince.
"Because", replied the old man, "A ruling Stone gathers no moths!"
I was sitting next to a priest, in a pub in Boston, having Irish bean soup and raving about it.
He offered that "the Irish have a strict rule that this soup have no more than 239 beans per serving.í
I asked, "Why the strict rule?"
And in his finest Irish brogue he explained, "If we added just one more bean it would be too farty."
George and Aggie lived on a cove on Lake Manitoba.
It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over. 
George asked Aggie to walk across the frozen part of the cove to get him some smokes and beer.
She asked for money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab. Old man Stacey won't mind."
So Aggie walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer then walked home across the cove.
When she got home with the items she said, "George, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey's,
so why didn't you just give me some money?"
"Well, Aggie, I didn't want to send you out there with cash when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was!"
A Husband lies dying, his wife is by his bedside..
He says in a weak voice "there is something I must confess".
"Shhhh" said the wife, " there is nothing to confess. Everything is all right. 
"No" the husband replied " I must die in peace. I had sex with your sister, your best friend,  
her best friend and your best friends mum!"
"I know," she whispered, "That's why I poisoned you. Now close your eyes".

Talk Story / Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« on: November 16, 2012, 01:10:11 AM »
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community.

A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench.
After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'
He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'
'So, where were you all these years?'
'In prison,' he says.
'Why did they put you in prison?'
He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'
'Oh!' smiled the woman. 'So you're single...?!'

Talk Story / Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« on: November 16, 2012, 01:08:16 AM »
A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humor" but we
know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.

Talk Story / Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« on: November 16, 2012, 01:02:05 AM »
A Mexican named Juan decided that he might be able to supplement his income by investing in, breeding,

and selling tropical birds. He began by buying a large red-billed toucan and started to raise it in an attempt
to discover if he had a flair for handling birds.
He soon discovered that the care and feeding of his rare tropical toucan was costing much more than he had
originally anticipated. Juan tried to save money by sacrificing his own dietary well being and began living on
basic staples like rice and beans. Unfortunately, the bird was still very expensive to feed and care for.
Juan experimented. He began feeding his bird the same food he ate.
He was surprised to discover that the bird flourished.
The toucan did wonderfully well eating the same inexpensive food as Juan.
The bird particularly liked rice and beans.
Juan became famous in the annals of bird breeding when it was discovered that toucan live as cheaply as Juan.

A man walks into a store that sells bees and the honey they make. "The Bee Store," it is called.

He approaches the clerk behind the counter. "Iíd like ten bees, please," he says.
"The standard honey bees?" the clerk asks. "Yes, please," the man replies.

The clerk retrieves a large jar, puts the bees inside and brings it to the man.
He looks at the bees in the jar. "You made a mistake," he says. "There are 11 bees in here."
"I know," the clerk replies. "The extra one is a free bee."

Talk Story / Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« on: November 16, 2012, 01:00:27 AM »
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said "Fried chicken".

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much. I do too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened and he laughed too.

Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken.
She asked why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her "Colonel Sanders". Guess where I am now...

Talk Story / Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« on: October 02, 2012, 12:01:12 AM »
He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school
classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.
This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower throwing admiring glances across the table.
The widow smiling coyly back at him.
Finally he picked up courage to ask her "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration she answered "Yes... yes I will!"
The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say yes

or did she say no?? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the
conversation of the previous evening but his mind was blank.
He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response.

With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't

remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening.

As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did

you say yes or did you say no?"
"Why you silly man, I said yes. Yes I will. And I meant it with all my heart!"
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.
She continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me"...

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, an inquiry begins.
One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement.

"OK Simpson," says the investigator "You were near the scene - what happened?"

"Old Charley in the mixing room, I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up".
"He was smoking in the mixing room?" "How long had he been with the company?"
"About 20 years, sir"
"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would
have been the last thing he'd have done".
"It was, sir".

The wife left a note on the fridge door

"It's not working and I can't take it anymore!! I've gone to stay at my mum's!"
I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold... who knows what she was on about!

When I was a child in the 1950's, the bathing suit for the mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced,
not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice: she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral
suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can
wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts
 to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known
as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material.
The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot,
which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from
shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs
had disappeared! Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other.
At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups.
The mature woman is now meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my
speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest

of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head
through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit. I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked

what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a
floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.
I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant
with triplets and having a rough day. I tried on a black number with a midriff fringe and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top.
It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.

When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become transparent in water."
So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the

one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth..'
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning

and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find

a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times.
If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years.

If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news.

The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.

The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had

a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...
"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
A Sunday School teacher began with, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.

The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him.

Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay.

It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea

and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more

money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the
regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute..

The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll
have to think of something to play after I make  the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof

repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more.

Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

It just hit me!
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year, for any medical needs.
For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs.
He is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick ÖÖÖ.
My dog is a CONGRESSMAN !!!!

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and
a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.
"Could you taste this for me, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
It tasted unpleasant.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the chemist, pulling a face.
"That's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come and get my urine tested for sugar."

The pastor of a Baptist church had called all of the little children to the front of the church,

dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him. He said "Today is Easter and

you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection.

Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"

One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said "Please tell us what the resurrection is."
The boy said, "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"


A few days ago my best friend from
 high school sent me a 'Viet Nam Veteran' cap.
I never had one of these before, and I was pretty hyped about it, especially because my friend

was considerate enough to take the time to give it to me.
Yesterday, I wore it when I went to Wal*Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed; but,

since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Wal*martians is always good for some comic relief.

Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment.

But, I digress...enough of my psychological fixations.

While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked,

"Are you a Viet Nam Vet?" "No," I replied.
"Then why are you wearing that cap?"
"Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812." I thought it was a snappy retort.
"The War of 1812, huh?" the Walmartian queried, "When was that?"
God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "1936," I answered.
He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"
"It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it." This was beginning to be way fun!
"Dude! Really?" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"
I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said,

"I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."
"Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously awesome!

But, didn't you kind of stand out?"
"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage."
The moron nodded knowingly.

"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this.

It's still 'top secret' and I shouldn't have said anything."
"Oh yeah?" he gave me the 'don't threaten me look.' "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"
With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you?

We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?"
The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door.

By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.

After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman.
Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another 'deadly' serious look,
I made the 'I see you' gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.
What a great time! Tomorrow I'm going back with a Homeland Security cap.
Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of cap!

Talk Story / Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« on: September 28, 2012, 12:02:00 AM »

A couple go on holiday to a fishing resort.

 The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

 One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies (thinking it was obvious). "You're in a restricted fishing area" he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I am reading" she replies. "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up'' the warden says. "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault" says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you!" says the game warden.

 "That's true, but you have all the equipment."

Talk Story / Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« on: September 28, 2012, 12:01:28 AM »
Went to sign up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing... If I had loose fitting clothing I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Talk Story / Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« on: June 28, 2012, 12:03:39 AM »
Two blonds were sipping their Starbuck's when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blond #1.
"Do what?" asked Blond #2.

"Send my lawn out to be mowed."

Talk Story / Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« on: June 27, 2012, 11:59:23 PM »
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning

A small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far
and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Talk Story / Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« on: May 23, 2012, 06:36:33 PM »
The Golfer and the Blonde

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf
balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blond.

The puzzled blond kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "Golf balls."

The blond continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply
about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain
her curiosity any longer, she asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Talk Story / Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« on: May 13, 2012, 03:05:12 AM »
My girlfriend was screaming at me.
"Leave!! Get out this house!" she ordered.
As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
So I turned around and replied, "Wait, so you want me to stay?"

Talk Story / Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« on: May 12, 2012, 12:24:29 AM »
I was smoking some weed and police saw me through the walls of my house and arrested me..
moral of the story...'People who live in glass houses should not get stoned'

Talk Story / Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« on: May 12, 2012, 12:22:06 AM »
I gave my girlfriend a gluestick instead of Lipstick yesterday.
She's still not talking to me...

Talk Story / Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« on: May 12, 2012, 12:21:12 AM »
 A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed. `Just where the heck do you think you`re going!`, said the man. `I`m going to Las Vegas`, said the wife, `I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free! `The man said, `Wait a minute!`, and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand. `Where the heck are you going?`, said the wife.
 The man said, `I want to see how you`re gonna live on $800 a year!`

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