Author Topic: a nude man and a nude woman  (Read 62879 times)

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Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #90 on: December 31, 2010, 05:43:06 AM »
What do you call a fish with no eye?

Fsh.

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #91 on: December 31, 2010, 05:49:04 AM »
FOOTBALL AND THE BLONDE......
Out of all the blonde jokes, this has to be one of the best!

Football FINALLY makes sense..........

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand
why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like....

Helloooooo?

It's only 25 cents!!!!!!!!!!!

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #92 on: December 31, 2010, 05:55:24 AM »
Cookies by Douglas Adams (author: "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy")


Quote:
This actually did happen to a real person, and the real person was me. I had gone to catch a train. This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K. I was a bit early for the train. I'd gotten the time of the train wrong.

I went to get myself a newspaper to do the crossword, and a cup of coffee and a packet of cookies. I went and sat at a table.

I want you to picture the scene. It's very important that you get this very clear in your mind.

Here's the table, newspaper, cup of coffee, packet of cookies. There's a guy sitting opposite me, perfectly ordinary-looking guy wearing a business suit, carrying a briefcase.

It didn't look like he was going to do anything weird. What he did was this: he suddenly leaned across, picked up the packet of cookies, tore it open, took one out, and ate it.

Now this, I have to say, is the sort of thing the British are very bad at dealing with. There's nothing in our background, upbringing, or education that teaches you how to deal with someone who in broad daylight has just stolen your cookies.

You know what would happen if this had been South Central Los Angeles. There would have very quickly been gunfire, helicopters coming in, CNN, you know. . . But in the end, I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do: I ignored it. And I stared at the newspaper, took a sip of coffee, tried to do a clue in the newspaper, couldn't do anything, and thought, what am I going to do?

In the end I thought, nothing for it, I'll just have to go for it, and I tried very hard not to notice the fact that the packet was already mysteriously opened. I took out a cookie for myself. I thought, that settled him. But it hadn't because a moment or two later he did it again. He took another cookie.

Having not mentioned it the first time, it was somehow even harder to raise the subject the second time around. "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice . . ." I mean, it doesn't really work.

We went through the whole packet like this. When I say the whole packet, I mean there were only about eight cookies, but it felt like a lifetime. He took one, I took one, he took one, I took one. Finally, when we got to the end, he stood up and walked away.

Well, we exchanged meaningful looks, then he walked away, and I breathed a sigh of relief and sat back. A moment or two later the train was coming in, so I tossed back the rest of my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper were my cookies.

The thing I like particularly about this story is the sensation that somewhere in England there has been wandering around for the last quarter-century a perfectly ordinary guy who's had the same exact story, only he doesn't have the punch line. 

(Excerpted from "The Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time" by Douglas Adams)

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #93 on: December 31, 2010, 05:56:16 AM »
Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and S**** for Brains.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #94 on: December 31, 2010, 05:57:01 AM »
The class was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible
for a college class and the instructions were that it had to discuss
Religion, Sexuality and Mystery. The only one who received an A+ wrote the
following:





Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it.

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #95 on: January 12, 2011, 04:56:07 AM »
A good, clean living Pagan died and went to Heaven. St Peter met him at the door. "You can't come in, " he said.

The Pagan asked, "Why?"

St Peter said, "You're Pagan, sorry. But Hell isn't so bad. Your friends are there and they say it's cool"

The Pagan is depressed but goes anyway because he was, well, Pagan.

So he goes to hell and is greeted by a beautiful green field with people picnicking and having a great time.

A man in white comes to him and presents himself as Satan.

"Wow" thinks the pagan, "Hell isn't so bad" Suddenly, the sky gets black and fire spews from the ground. A screaming flaming man falls from the sky and is swallowed by a crack in the earth. After he disappears, everything returns to normal. "What was that?," the pagan asks Satan.

Satan replies, "That was a Christian. They wouldn't have hell any other way"

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #96 on: January 12, 2011, 04:56:50 AM »
A blonde walked up to a coke machine, put in a dollar, and got out a coke. She then put in another dollar, and got another coke. Again and again, she put in more and more dollars and got out more and more cokes.

As she was doing this, a man came and stood behind her. he tapped her on her shoulder, and said "What on earth are you doing?"

She replied angrily " Shut up! Cant you see im winning?!"

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #97 on: January 12, 2011, 04:57:36 AM »
Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks "Where did you get that"? The parrot replies "Africa. They're all over the place".

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #98 on: January 12, 2011, 04:58:16 AM »
The Defective Parrot


A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies.

'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.
'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird.'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.

'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.

You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy.

'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.

I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.

You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes.

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch!'


If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day.

Offline Kenster

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #99 on: January 18, 2011, 07:30:10 AM »
Howdy sweet SWEEEET  :D Verbie

remember me?  >:(

Sorry :P

Love the title of dis tread  :-[

Best wishes my friend  :)

Offline Geologist

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #100 on: January 18, 2011, 12:03:52 PM »
Howdy sweet SWEEEET  :D Verbie

remember me?  >:(

Sorry :P

Love the title of dis tread  :-[

Best wishes my friend  :)

Hi Ken! Hi Verbie!
Dragon, Ti, and Classic Chammies, Blk, Bare, & Brass LCs, Blk & Bare LHs, X990, Rayzorlite, The Torch, Mag85, MagGH24, SF C3, C2, 6P, G2, & Winelights, Peak Caribbean, Pacific, McKinnleys, + more , Exolion Ti, Orb Raw NS, SS Gatlight, Eternalights, Nuwai QIII, Inova X5THAs, X1, ARCs, + more?

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #101 on: January 27, 2011, 06:00:17 AM »
Howdy sweet SWEEEET  :D Verbie

remember me?  >:(

Sorry :P

Love the title of dis tread  :-[

Best wishes my friend  :)
Hi there Kenster!  Can never forget ya.  ;)  You're doing good, yes?  :)

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #102 on: January 27, 2011, 06:01:32 AM »
Howdy sweet SWEEEET  :D Verbie

remember me?  >:(

Sorry :P

Love the title of dis tread  :-[

Best wishes my friend  :)

Hi Ken! Hi Verbie!
A BIG HI TO YOU, GEOLOGIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D  How are you doing?  :)

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #103 on: January 27, 2011, 06:01:59 AM »
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "You probrem very bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when you face rook Ed Zachary rike you ass."

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #104 on: February 12, 2011, 12:47:03 AM »
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as
gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus...Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said:
"Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."