Author Topic: a nude man and a nude woman  (Read 48780 times)

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Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #60 on: April 01, 2010, 02:32:02 AM »
PROMISE AFTER DEATH ....

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

" Marion ... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"





"No..........I'm a rabbit in Arizona ...."

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #61 on: April 08, 2010, 07:54:08 PM »
The Wedding Ring


A man went to the hospital in Toronto to have his wedding ring cut off from
his penis.

According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the
ring in his pants pocket.

She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to
slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.

2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.

OR...


3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

Tough call. You decide.

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #62 on: April 08, 2010, 07:54:36 PM »
A professor at Leeds University was giving a lecture on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

'Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe,do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.

Has anyone here ever talked to or touched a ghost?'

About 3 students raise their hand.

'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further......Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Abdul raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture,

no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.

You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The big student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Abdul , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Abdul replied, "Oh, uh sorry..... From where I was sitting at the back I thought you said Goats! "

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #63 on: April 08, 2010, 07:55:46 PM »
One fine, sunny day, a rabbit sat outside his burrow, typing on his laptop. Along came a fox, out for a walk.
"What are you working on, Rabbit?" asked the fox.
"My thesis," said the rabbit.
"Hmm. What's it about?" asked the fox.
"It's about how rabbits eat foxes," replied the rabbit.
"That's ridiculous!" exclaimed the fox. "Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes."
"Sure they do," said the rabbit. "And I can prove it! Come into my burrow."

They disappeared inside and after a few minutes, the rabbit emerged alone, returned to his laptop, and resumed typing.

Soon, a wolf came along. "What are you working on, Rabbit?"
"My thesis," the rabbit replied.
"Hmm. What's it about?" asked the wolf.
"It's about how rabbits eat wolves," said the rabbit.
"That's ridiculous!" exclaimed the wolf. "Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat wolves."
"Sure they do," said the rabbit calmly. "And I can prove it! Come into my burrow."

They disappeared inside and after a few minutes, the rabbit emerged alone, returned to his laptop, and resumed typing.

Meanwhile, inside the rabbit's burrow there was a pile of fox bones and a pile of wolf bones -- and a lion picking his teeth.

The Moral: It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis subject. It doesn't matter what you use for data. What matters is who you have for a thesis advisor!

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #64 on: April 12, 2010, 05:51:36 AM »
Question:
What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?

Answer:
A crazy bitch who WILL find you! :evil1:

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #65 on: April 15, 2010, 04:05:01 AM »
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, Savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . . . I called Lifeline. Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.

They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck....

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #66 on: May 19, 2010, 04:07:12 PM »

HAVE YOU EVER
> BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I
> CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?
> WELL...YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
>
> MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY
> FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
> I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
> SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME
> NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
>
>
> COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
> UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
> THIS BALDING, GREY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO
> OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM
> IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .
>
> 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
>
> 'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
>
> HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
>
> 'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
>
> HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
>
>
> THEN, THAT
>
> UGLY,
>
> OLD,
>
> BALD,
>
> WRINKLED,
>
> FAT ASS,
>
> GREY-HAIRED,
>
> DECREPIT,
>
> SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED ME :
>
>
> 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #67 on: May 19, 2010, 04:08:23 PM »
One afternoon, Harry Harrington walks into his supervisor's office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Harry," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Harry. "I knew I could count on you!"

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #68 on: May 19, 2010, 04:10:14 PM »
Man takes his fish into the veterinarian and says to the doc, "I think my fish has epilepsy."
Doctor takes a look at the fish thru the fishbowl and says, "I don't see anything wrong with him sir. He looks completely healthy."
Before the doctor could usher him out the exam room, the man replied, "Wait doc... Lemme take him outta the bowl!"

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #69 on: May 26, 2010, 07:44:42 PM »
So cute.  This may belong somewhere else but I'm too lazy to figure out where.  It made me chuckled so here it will stay.  :D


Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #70 on: May 26, 2010, 07:46:30 PM »
Hihi...

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #71 on: May 26, 2010, 10:12:19 PM »
Excuses for not coming to work....well, sorta.... :P


I cant make it in today. I have something wrong with my feet. I can't stand work.

I cant make it in today. I have something wrong with my eyes. I can't see myself getting anything done today.

I cant make it in today. I have something wrong with my bowels. I don't give a s**t.

I cant make it in today. I have something wrong with my genitals. I don't give a well there are many more, you figure them out.

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #72 on: June 03, 2010, 02:26:21 AM »
You know why there are no Chinese telephone directories?

There are so many Wings and Wongs that for every Wing there are two Wong numbers.

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #73 on: June 03, 2010, 02:26:56 AM »
Coyote Problem

California:

Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks dog.

#1. Governor starts to intervene, reflects upon the movie "Bambi"
and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.

#2. He calls animal control. Animal control captures coyote and
spends $200 testing it for diseases and $500 upon relocating it.

#3. He calls veterinarian. Vet collects dead dog and spends $200
testing it for diseases.

#4. Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for
diseases from the coyote and on getting bite wound bandaged.

#5. Running trail gets shut down for 6 months while wildlife
services conduct a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is clear
of dangerous animals.

#6. Governor spends $50,000 of state funds implementing a "coyote
awareness" program for residents of the area.

#7. State legislature spends $2 million investigating how to better
handle rabies and how to possibly eradicate the disease.

#8. Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack
and for letting the Governor intervene.

#9. Cost: $75,000 to train new security agent.

#10. PETA protests the coyote relocation and files suit against the state.

Texas:

#1. Governor shoots coyote and keeps jogging. Governor has spent
$0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge. Buzzards eat dead coyote.


Any wonder why California is broke?

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #74 on: June 17, 2010, 04:03:13 AM »
Word of the day:
FOCUS

When you are annoyed with someone tell them to FOCUS
It means...
f*** Off 'Cause U're Stupid!