Author Topic: a nude man and a nude woman  (Read 40253 times)

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Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #180 on: November 16, 2012, 01:02:05 AM »
A Mexican named Juan decided that he might be able to supplement his income by investing in, breeding,

and selling tropical birds. He began by buying a large red-billed toucan and started to raise it in an attempt
 
to discover if he had a flair for handling birds.
 
He soon discovered that the care and feeding of his rare tropical toucan was costing much more than he had
 
originally anticipated. Juan tried to save money by sacrificing his own dietary well being and began living on
 
basic staples like rice and beans. Unfortunately, the bird was still very expensive to feed and care for.
 
Juan experimented. He began feeding his bird the same food he ate.
 
He was surprised to discover that the bird flourished.
 
The toucan did wonderfully well eating the same inexpensive food as Juan.
 
The bird particularly liked rice and beans.
 
Juan became famous in the annals of bird breeding when it was discovered that toucan live as cheaply as Juan.
 
~~~~~~~~~~

A man walks into a store that sells bees and the honey they make. "The Bee Store," it is called.

He approaches the clerk behind the counter. "Iíd like ten bees, please," he says.
 
"The standard honey bees?" the clerk asks. "Yes, please," the man replies.

The clerk retrieves a large jar, puts the bees inside and brings it to the man.
 
He looks at the bees in the jar. "You made a mistake," he says. "There are 11 bees in here."
 
"I know," the clerk replies. "The extra one is a free bee."

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #181 on: November 16, 2012, 01:08:16 AM »
A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
 
A spokesman for the channel said "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humor" but we
 
know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #182 on: November 16, 2012, 01:10:11 AM »
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community.

A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench.
 
After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'
He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'
'So, where were you all these years?'
'In prison,' he says.
'Why did they put you in prison?'
He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'
'Oh!' smiled the woman. 'So you're single...?!'

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #183 on: January 10, 2014, 12:48:03 AM »
A man runs into a gas station, obviously very flustered.
The attendant asks, "You look like you've seen a ghost. What happened?"
The man looks at the attendant and says, in a very shaky voice, "It's horrible. 
Someone just broke into my car when I came in to pay for my gas a minute ago."
The attendant says, "Oh my."
The man continues, losing more coherence as he speaks, "I had a ticket to the Justin Bieber concert 
on Sunday sitting on the dashboard..."
The attendant asks, "Did they take your ticket?"
The man says, barely able to speak at this point, "No, worse. They left another one."
~~~~~~~~~~~
As Franz Kafka awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed into a raging bull elephant. 
He charged around his room with his trunk sticking up making loud trumpeting noises.
The picture of the lady in furs came crashing down, the vase of anemones tipped over.
Suddenly afraid that his family might discover him, Franz stuck his enormous head out of the window
overlooking the courtyard. But it was too late. 
His parents and sisters had already been awakened by the racket, and rushed into his room. 
All of them gasped simultaneously as they stared at the great bulk of Franzís rump.
Then Franz pulled his head and turned toward them, looking sheepish.
Finally, after an awkward couple of minutes, in which no one spoke, Franzís mother went over,
 rested her cheek against his trunk and said, "Are you ill, dear?"
Franz let loose a bloodcurdling blast, and his mother slipped to the floor.
Franzís father was about to help her but noticed the anemones tipped over on the table. 
He threw them out the window, saying, "With Franz like this, who needs anemones?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now. 
********
I tried to catch some fog. I mist. 
********
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. 
********
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
********
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. 
********
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. 
********
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me
********
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. 
********
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down. 
********
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words . 
********
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.  
********
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. 
********
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory-- I hope there's no pop quiz.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two archeologists, exploring a remote mountain in Tibet, came across a huge granite statue which
resembled a sitting man. It stood almost 400 foot tall, and its bodily details were accurate down 
to the fingernails and teeth.
"It looks real enough to talk," says one.
"Lets try," says the other, and turning to the statue he asks it its name. No answer.
"How old are you?" No answer.
Finally, one shouts out, "What is the square root of 64?"
Suddenly, the mountain shakes as the giant statue rises onto its feet and puts it's hand on its chin.
Then after about ten seconds, the statue answers in a roaring voice, "EIGHT!"
Of course," says the first scientist, "It only stands to reason."
~~~~~~~~~
My oldest sister had made a salad for dinner and served it on everyone's plate before we sat down. 
Coming to the table, Dad caught my four-year-old sister, Amy, poking his salad and told her to stop.
Amy was very quiet all through dinner.
Finally, when the meal was over, Dad asked her, "Amy, why were you playing with my food?"
"I was trying to get the fly out," she replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every night, Frank went down to the liquor store, bought a six pack, brought it home, and drank it while watching TV.
One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there.
The bug grabbed him by the collar, threw him across the room, and left.
The next night, after he finished his fourth beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same
six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his first beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there.
This time he kneed Frank in the balls and hit him behind the ear, doubling him over in pain, then left.
The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out
of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor.
The next day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights.
"What can I do?" he pleaded. 
"Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around".
~~~~~~~~~~~
After all these years of trying I've finally found my wife's G spot.
Would you believe her sister had it all this time!!
~~~~~~~~~~
The priest of a small Irish village was very fond of the ten chickens (plus one cock rooster) he kept in a hen house
behind the parish manse. One Saturday night, the cock rooster was missing, and as that was the time the priest
suspected cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to say something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation "Has anyone got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no" he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no" he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anyone seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, no" he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen my cock?"
All the choir boys stood up.
~~~~~~~~~~~
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. 
They went shopping at a kennel specializing in this particular breed, and found a dog they liked a lot. 
When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. 
When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity.
They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).
That night they had friends over for dinner. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog 
and his major skills, they had the dog show off a little. 
The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, too.
This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about 'normal' tricks.
"Well," they said, "let's try this out." 
Once more they called out to the dog, and then clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head...
~~~~~~~~~~~
In case you're having a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals.
The funny thing is that it really works and will make you smile.
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so clear that you can make out the face of the Politician you are holding underwater
See it worked! You're smiling. You feel better already!
~~~~~~~~~~
WARNINGS
On a salt packet: "Warning: Contains salt."
On a can of aerosol cheese: "For best results, remove cap."
On an information booklet: "Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet."
On air freshener: "For use by trained personnel only."
On dog medicine: "Alcohol may intensify the effects."
On rubbing alcohol: "Avoid contact with eyes, ears, brain, and surrounding membranes."
On a letter opener: "Safety goggles recommended."
On a travel pillow: "Do not use while sleeping."
On a dust mask: "Does not supply oxygen."
On a disposable razor: "Do not use during an earthquake."
On a box of dice: "Not for human consumption."
On a toy called Rubber Band Shooter: "Caution: Shoots rubber bands."
On a bicycle: "Removing the wheel can influence the performance of the bicycle."
On a disc-shaped chocolate: "Do not place chocolate into any electronic equipment."
On a cleaner for eyeglasses: "Not for or direct use in eyes."
On a birthday badge for two-year-olds (says "I am 2"): "Not to be used by children under 3 yrs. of age."
On a dishwasher: "Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher."
On a can of tuna: "Caution: Contains fish."
On toilet bowl cleaner: "Safe around pets and children, although itís not recommended that either be
                                    permitted to drink from the toilet."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ad for a $5000, 27ft sailboat
What does Captian Kirk, Popeye, Captain Hook and Tommy Lee have in common?
They are all bad ass people. Why? Because they were all in command of ships.
You should be in command of a ship. You should buy my boat.
I can offer you the opportunity to be in command of this Catalina 27 sailing ship for
about the cost of a lot of the stupid stuff you bought, buy or are thinking about buying.
...I understand you have many options on how to spend your free time.
How you choose to recreate says a lot about a human being.
What I am offering you is the open Pacific Ocean, fishing, going to islands, breathing salty air at sea,
breathing atomic four gas powered exhaust fumes, drinking rum, drinking whiskey, drinking cheap beer,
drinking expensive beer, drinking the dead sea monkeys floating in the drink that your friend backwashed,
spear fishing anything that moves, endless supply of gold colored fish to make into tacos, trapping crabs,
getting crabs, free membership to hbyc, a money pit, a fist pumping teeth grinding laser eating dance platform,
a new kitchen, a boom that might hit you in the head, a $270 slip fee, the ability to t-bone a stand up paddle
boarder, the ability to bbq a t-bone steak, the ability to bone in the v-birth, the chance to see whales,
the improved chance to bring a whale out of najas and tying knots.
These are fine things. These are gentlemanly things.
They certainly beat sitting in car traffic towing your sand rail or three wheeler past a bunch of meth labs to Glamis,
or driving a boat in circles in the std filled cesspool commonly referred to as "the river", or any other so called lake.
Does a real man or woman want to recreate in a standing pool of "fresh water" or in a hot desert with a bunch of
drunk yahoos with engines strapped to their backs?
~~~~~~~~~~
A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says: "No way. I donít think you can pay for it."
The guy says, "Youíre right. I donít have any money, but if I show you something you havenít seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ainít risquť."
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar
and it runs to the end of the bar, climbs down the bar, runs across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard
and starts playing a tune. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, "Youíre right. Iíve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano."
The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle, or else no drink", says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing.
He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy
and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says, "Itís a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog.
The stranger runs out of the bar.
The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300?
It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."
~~~~~~~~~~
A very small, mousy man was hired as a bartender in the Old West. 
The saloon owner advised him ,"If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for your life."
The bartender worked for six months with no problems.
Then one day a cowboy rushed in shouting, "Big Johnís a-cominí!"
In his hurry to get out, he knocked the small bartender to the floor.
Before the bartender could recover in came a giant of a man with a black, bushy beard.
He rode in through the swinging doors on the back of a buffalo, using a rattlesnake for a whip.
The man tore the doors off of their hinges, knocked over tables, and slung the snake into the corner. 
Gimme a drink," he yelled, as he split the bar in half with a pound of his massive fist.
The bartender nervously pushed a bottle toward the man.
He bit off the top of the bottle with his teeth, chugged the contents in one gulp and turned to leave. 
Realizing that the man wasnít hurting anyone, the bartender asked if heíd like another drink.
"Ainít got no time," the man roared, "Big Johnís a cominí to town."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Russian couple, were walking through Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining," he said to his wife. 
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. 
"No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said. 
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major fight about whether it was rain or snow,
when they saw Comrade Rudolph, a Communist Party official, walking toward them. 
"Let's not fight," the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." 
Approaching Comrade Rudolph, they asked, "Tell us, Comrade, is it officially raining or snowing?" 
"It's raining, of course," Comrade Rudolph replied, and walked on. 
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" 
To which the man quietly replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dodge City was a rough town. Nevertheless, it had an excellent theatre group. 
One time it planned to perform the Swan Lake Ballet.
On the day of dress rehearsal, it was discovered that moths had gotten into the tutus.
Everything was ruined. The producer placed a call to the Acme Costume Company in Wichita 
and learned they had plenty of tutus. The proprietor promised to ship the much needed garments over on
a special train. They should arrive in plenty of time for the opening.
Back at Dodge, everyone was in a big hurry. Someone needed to go down to the depot and fetch the tutus. 
Butch, the biggest, toughest guy in town offered to do it . So he went to the station and sat down.
When the station master saw Butch, he went over and asked if he might be of help.
Butch replied, "Thanks, but Iím just waiting for the tutu train."
~~~~~~~~~~~
Patrick O'Reilly was lucky.  
Since the day he had found that four-leaf clover, everything good seemed to come his way. 
He had met the wonderful Rosie, and after a whirlwind romance, they were married. 
And now, a year later, he was the proud father of beautiful twins, a boy and a girl. 
At work, the story was the same. 
He had been promoted and had received a substantial raise; now the firm had come up with a profit-sharing plan!  
Paddy was certain his good fortune was due to his four-leaf clover.  
Everywhere he went, he was certain to be carrying the talisman in his suit pocket. 
One morning, Paddy could not find the clover. He searched the house, but it was not there. 
In a panic, he tried to recall when he had last seen it. 
He finally recalled it was in his grey suit he had dropped off at the dry cleaners. 
He rushed to the cleaners, only to find that the work had been completed and his suit was ready to be picked up. 
He searched the suit, and found the four-leaf clover, still in one piece, but now flattened from the dry cleaning. 
From that day on, Paddy's fortunes changed. 
Life was good, but was no longer perfect, the little inconveniences were always there. 
He had a flat tire as he was driving to an important meeting.  
The twins developed measles when his boss and his wife were over for dinner.  
No, Paddy's luck (and life) had changed dramatically. 
He still carried the amulet, but he was certainly not living under the silver lining he was used to, and had come to expect.
Finally, he had had enough, and visited the parish priest to see if he could help him understand what had happened.
"This certainly was to be expected," he was told. "Ye should have known... one should never press one's luck!"
~~~~~~~~~~~
Prince Stone had an enormous moth collection. He had large moths, small moths, moths of all kinds.
When King Stone decided to retire and pass his crown to the prince, he told the boy he must first
dispose of the moth collection and find another hobby.
"Why is that, father?" inquired the prince.
"Because", replied the old man, "A ruling Stone gathers no moths!"
~~~~~~~
I was sitting next to a priest, in a pub in Boston, having Irish bean soup and raving about it.
He offered that "the Irish have a strict rule that this soup have no more than 239 beans per serving.í
I asked, "Why the strict rule?"
And in his finest Irish brogue he explained, "If we added just one more bean it would be too farty."
~~~~~~~~~
George and Aggie lived on a cove on Lake Manitoba.
It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over. 
George asked Aggie to walk across the frozen part of the cove to get him some smokes and beer.
She asked for money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab. Old man Stacey won't mind."
So Aggie walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer then walked home across the cove.
When she got home with the items she said, "George, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey's,
so why didn't you just give me some money?"
"Well, Aggie, I didn't want to send you out there with cash when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Husband lies dying, his wife is by his bedside..
He says in a weak voice "there is something I must confess".
"Shhhh" said the wife, " there is nothing to confess. Everything is all right. 
"No" the husband replied " I must die in peace. I had sex with your sister, your best friend,  
her best friend and your best friends mum!"
"I know," she whispered, "That's why I poisoned you. Now close your eyes".