Author Topic: a nude man and a nude woman  (Read 48453 times)

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Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #165 on: May 12, 2012, 12:11:54 AM »

Lipstick
 According to a news report, a certain private school recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of older school girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
 
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee cloth, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
 
There are teachers, and then there are educators...!!!

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #166 on: May 12, 2012, 12:17:33 AM »

Wife to Husband (on the Phone): "Hey baby, what you doing???"
 
Husband: "Listen, I am really busy! Don't have time to talk at all."
 
Wife: "Well baby, I have a Good news and Bad news for you. You want to hear them?"
 ...
Husband: "Just tell me the Good news, I don't have time for the Bad!"
 
Wife: "Okay, Good news is the Air Bags of your New BMW work absolutely FINE!!!"

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #167 on: May 12, 2012, 12:19:04 AM »

A guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks: “Whats the first thing you notice about me?”
The guy responds: “Why, You don’t have any ears.”
Interviewer: “Get out! Send in the next guy.”
Second guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks: “What’s the first thing you notice about me?”
The guy responds: “You don’t have any ears.”
Interviewer: “Get out! Send in the next guy.”
This guy on the way out says to the third guy “What ever you do, don’t say anything about his not having any ears - He’ll kick you right out.”
Third guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks: “What’s the first thing you notice about me?”
The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, “You wear contact lenses don’t you.”
The interviewer says: “That’s impressive that you’re so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?”
Third guy: “Because you don’t have any damn ears to hang glasses on.”

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #168 on: May 12, 2012, 12:20:27 AM »

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).
 If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely.
 If you come in contact with this WORK, you should immediately take at least two of your friends to the nearest "Biological Anxiety Relief" (BAR) centre to take at least one of the following antidotes:
 "Work Isolating NeutralizerExtract" (WINE),
 "Radioactive UnWORK Medicine"(RUM),
 "Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter"(BEER) ,
 "Vaccino Offico Depression Killing Antigen"(VODKA) and continue its dosage till WORK is eliminated from your system completely.
 Please forward this message to all your friends and save their lives.

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #169 on: May 12, 2012, 12:21:12 AM »
F TO VEGAS!
 A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed. `Just where the heck do you think you`re going!`, said the man. `I`m going to Las Vegas`, said the wife, `I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free! `The man said, `Wait a minute!`, and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand. `Where the heck are you going?`, said the wife.
 The man said, `I want to see how you`re gonna live on $800 a year!`

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #170 on: May 12, 2012, 12:22:06 AM »
I gave my girlfriend a gluestick instead of Lipstick yesterday.
 
She's still not talking to me...

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #171 on: May 12, 2012, 12:24:29 AM »
I was smoking some weed and police saw me through the walls of my house and arrested me..
 
moral of the story...'People who live in glass houses should not get stoned'

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #172 on: May 13, 2012, 03:05:12 AM »
My girlfriend was screaming at me.
 
"Leave!! Get out this house!" she ordered.
 
As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
 
So I turned around and replied, "Wait, so you want me to stay?"

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #173 on: May 23, 2012, 06:36:33 PM »
The Golfer and the Blonde

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf
balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blond.

The puzzled blond kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "Golf balls."

The blond continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply
about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain
her curiosity any longer, she asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #174 on: June 27, 2012, 11:59:23 PM »
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning

A small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far
and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #175 on: June 28, 2012, 12:03:39 AM »
Two blonds were sipping their Starbuck's when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blond #1.
"Do what?" asked Blond #2.




"Send my lawn out to be mowed."

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #176 on: September 28, 2012, 12:01:28 AM »
Went to sign up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing... If I had loose fitting clothing I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #177 on: September 28, 2012, 12:02:00 AM »

A couple go on holiday to a fishing resort.

 The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

 One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies (thinking it was obvious). "You're in a restricted fishing area" he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I am reading" she replies. "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up'' the warden says. "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault" says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you!" says the game warden.

 "That's true, but you have all the equipment."

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #178 on: October 02, 2012, 12:01:12 AM »
He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school
 
classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.
 
This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower throwing admiring glances across the table.
 
The widow smiling coyly back at him.
 
Finally he picked up courage to ask her "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration she answered "Yes... yes I will!"
 
The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say yes

or did she say no?? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the
 
conversation of the previous evening but his mind was blank.
 
He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response.

With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't

remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening.

As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did

you say yes or did you say no?"
 
"Why you silly man, I said yes. Yes I will. And I meant it with all my heart!"
 
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.
 
She continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me"...
 
~~~~~~~~~~~

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, an inquiry begins.
 
One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement.

"OK Simpson," says the investigator "You were near the scene - what happened?"

"Old Charley in the mixing room, I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up".
 
"He was smoking in the mixing room?" "How long had he been with the company?"
 
"About 20 years, sir"
 
"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would
 
have been the last thing he'd have done".
 
"It was, sir".
 
~~~~~~~~~~

The wife left a note on the fridge door

"It's not working and I can't take it anymore!! I've gone to stay at my mum's!"
 
I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold... who knows what she was on about!
 
~~~~~~~~~

When I was a child in the 1950's, the bathing suit for the mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced,
 
not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

 
The mature woman has a choice: she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral
 
suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can
 
wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts
 
 to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

 
What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known
 
as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material.
 
The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot,
 
which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from
 
shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

 
I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs
 
had disappeared! Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other.
 
At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups.
 
The mature woman is now meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my
 
speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

 
The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest

of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head
 
through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit. I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked

what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a
 
floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.
 
 
 
I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant
 
with triplets and having a rough day. I tried on a black number with a midriff fringe and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

 
Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top.
 
It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.

When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become transparent in water."
So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the

one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth..'
=======
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
========
"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning

and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
========
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find

a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times.
 
If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years.

If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
========
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news.

The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.

The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
========
While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had

a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...
 
"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.
 
Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
========
A Sunday School teacher began with, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
========
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.

The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him.

Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay.

It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
========
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
========
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea

and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
========
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more

money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the
 
regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute..

The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll
 
have to think of something to play after I make  the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof

repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more.

Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
~~~~~~~~~~

It just hit me!
 
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
 
He has his food prepared for him.
 
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
 
He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year, for any medical needs.
 
For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
 
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs.
 
He is not required to do any upkeep.
 
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
 
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
 
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
 
He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
 
All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.
 
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick ……….
 
My dog is a CONGRESSMAN !!!!
 
~~~~~~~~~

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and
 
a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.
 
"Could you taste this for me, please?"
 
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
 
It tasted unpleasant.
 
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
 
"No, not at all," says the chemist, pulling a face.
 
"That's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come and get my urine tested for sugar."
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The pastor of a Baptist church had called all of the little children to the front of the church,

dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him. He said "Today is Easter and

you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection.

Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"

One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said "Please tell us what the resurrection is."
 
The boy said, "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few days ago my best friend from
 high school sent me a 'Viet Nam Veteran' cap.
I never had one of these before, and I was pretty hyped about it, especially because my friend

was considerate enough to take the time to give it to me.
Yesterday, I wore it when I went to Wal*Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed; but,

since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Wal*martians is always good for some comic relief.

Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment.

But, I digress...enough of my psychological fixations.

 
While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked,

"Are you a Viet Nam Vet?" "No," I replied.
"Then why are you wearing that cap?"
"Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812." I thought it was a snappy retort.
"The War of 1812, huh?" the Walmartian queried, "When was that?"
God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "1936," I answered.
He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"
"It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it." This was beginning to be way fun!
"Dude! Really?" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"
I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said,

"I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."
"Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously awesome!

But, didn't you kind of stand out?"
"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage."
The moron nodded knowingly.

 
"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this.

It's still 'top secret' and I shouldn't have said anything."
"Oh yeah?" he gave me the 'don't threaten me look.' "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"
With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you?

We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?"
The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door.

By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.

 
After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman.
 
Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another 'deadly' serious look,
 
I made the 'I see you' gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.
 
What a great time! Tomorrow I'm going back with a Homeland Security cap.
Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of cap!

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #179 on: November 16, 2012, 01:00:27 AM »
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said "Fried chicken".

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.
 
My parents told me to always be truthful, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
 
I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
 
He said they love animals very much. I do too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
 
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened and he laughed too.

Then he told me not to do it again.
 
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken.
 
She asked why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
 
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
 
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it.
 
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her "Colonel Sanders". Guess where I am now...