Author Topic: a nude man and a nude woman  (Read 40268 times)

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Offline Zymurgy

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #15 on: February 22, 2009, 01:12:31 PM »
TOOLS EXPLAINED BY A DO-IT-YOURSELFER


DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
 

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh s**t'

 

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

 

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.


PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes u sed in the creation of blood-blisters.


BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they ca n also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.


OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub when you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts next to the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as leather seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Offline Zymurgy

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #16 on: February 22, 2009, 01:15:25 PM »

Offline Zymurgy

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #17 on: February 22, 2009, 01:17:30 PM »
Do you believe this?  No way!

 

These guys ARE that good!

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHH-6ZQktRQ


 


 

Offline Zymurgy

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #18 on: February 22, 2009, 01:23:04 PM »

Ba Da Boom !!!


A man goes to see his Rabbi and says, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi asks, "How can that be?"

The man pleads, "I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi says, "I'll talk to her."

The next day the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife for over three hours. You want my advice?"

The man anxiously answers, "Yes."

"Take the poison."



Offline Zymurgy

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #19 on: February 22, 2009, 01:26:19 PM »
Absolutely Nuts !!!!!!


WHEN picture appears, CLICK ON WHITE ARROW LOWER LEFT ON SCREEN and video WILL SRART TO PLAY.
 
 
 
 
 
Click on the link below
 
http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=1778399&server=vimeo.com&show_title=1&show_byline=1&show_portrait=0&color=&fullscreen

 
 
 
 
 

 

Offline Zymurgy

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #20 on: February 22, 2009, 01:32:50 PM »
Switching To A Secure Frequency


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ptnJpF_WvUk

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #21 on: March 14, 2009, 09:12:31 PM »
Absolutely Nuts !!!!!!


WHEN picture appears, CLICK ON WHITE ARROW LOWER LEFT ON SCREEN and video WILL SRART TO PLAY.
 
 
Click on the link below
 
http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=1778399&server=vimeo.com&show_title=1&show_byline=1&show_portrait=0&color=&fullscreen
Man, that would feel so exhilarating and absolutely awesome!  Freakin' scary at the same time!!  :tongue1:

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #22 on: March 14, 2009, 09:15:04 PM »
Three women die together in an accident and
go to heaven.


When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We! only have
one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are
ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to
step on a duck, and although they try their best to
avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one..


Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.


St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your
punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend
eternity chained to this ugly man!'


The next day, the second woman accidentally steps
on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't
miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment
as for the first woman.


The third woman has observed all this and, not
wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man,
is very, VERY careful where she steps.


She manages to go months without stepping on
any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her
with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes
on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.



St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.


The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to
deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'


The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped
on a duck!'

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #23 on: March 14, 2009, 09:18:34 PM »
At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circu mcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #24 on: March 14, 2009, 09:19:14 PM »
Two Garbage Bags


A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.'

'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me...'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money?' 'You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.'

'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop. OK? Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well, you know', says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #25 on: March 14, 2009, 09:20:31 PM »
You are on the bus when you suddenly realize .... you need to fart.


The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.


After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.


As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down,


and that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #26 on: March 22, 2009, 05:17:47 AM »
An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a Stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at Midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed And he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through The door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm Not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak In the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was Told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay Of execution after all. Wright would not behanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #27 on: April 24, 2009, 04:23:54 AM »
WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses; the results were pretty interesting:
30% of women think their ass is too fat............
10% of women think their ass is too skinny......

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.   ;)

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #28 on: April 24, 2009, 04:25:50 AM »
Cup of Tea

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of
my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought
Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came
home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea,
because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea
for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know..

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is
the toilet?

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #29 on: April 24, 2009, 04:26:49 AM »
 One day, a long time ago, there lived a beautiful woman who didn't complain, nag, or whine.



















But that was a long time ago and it was just for one day.