Author Topic: a nude man and a nude woman  (Read 51205 times)

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Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #135 on: February 29, 2012, 04:37:07 PM »
I'm on a 30 day diet program.  The first thing I lost is my TEMPER.   >:(
« Last Edit: February 29, 2012, 04:42:59 PM by verbie »

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #136 on: February 29, 2012, 04:43:17 PM »
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
 Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #137 on: March 01, 2012, 03:53:05 AM »
One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was, and he had his hand down his pants. The Teacher asked, "Johnny, what are you doing?"
 Then, Johnny said, "It hurts down there." "Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home", said the teacher.A little while later, Johnny came back to classroom and sat back down. Then the teacher came to the back of the room again, and he had his privates hanging out of his pants. The teacher said, "Johnny, what's that doing hanging out of your pants?!" Then Johnny said, "My mommy said if I can stick it out until noon, she'll come and pick me up."

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #138 on: March 03, 2012, 11:15:38 PM »

BE NICE TO YOUR NURSE...
 A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
 He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
 The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.
 She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
 After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out.
 He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.
 After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"
 After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #139 on: March 03, 2012, 11:16:29 PM »
The Devil walked into a crowded bar. Within seconds the bar emptied with people running out screaming all over the place, all except for one old man. The Devil wandered across to the old man and said, “Do you know who I am?” The old man took another sip of his beer and answered, “Yep.” The Devil stared at the old man and asked, “Well aren’t you afraid?” The old man looked the Devil up and down for a minute and shrugged, “nah, I’ve been married to your sister for 40 years. Why the hell should I be scared of you?”

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #140 on: March 06, 2012, 03:43:29 AM »
Looking in the mall for a nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its sexy lingerie. To my delight, I found just

what I was looking for. Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same item.

This confirmed what I suspected all along: despite being nearly sixty, I still have a very "with it" attitude!

"I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the twenty-something behind me.

"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for Grandma."

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #141 on: March 06, 2012, 03:43:53 AM »
Dora Evans made a nice living running her mobile concession truck. She would find out where the local movie company was shooting on location and park her truck, which she called “The Box”, near-by.

Technicians and actors alike would stop by for some pastry and coffee during breaks from shooting.

The director was shooting the most important scene in the movie. In this scene the lovers walking along a deserted beach decide to break off their relationship and return to their respective spouses to live the rest of their lives with only the memory of their short interlude to comfort them in the years ahead.

He had shot the scene several times in order to insure that he had obtained the most dramatic effect.

That evening, on reviewing the daily takes, he was shocked to find every take was spoiled.

As the stars were talking, the camera swept around the surrounding loneliness of the empty beach.

But in every take, there was the concession truck with several people enjoying its wares.

He immediately called his cinematographer and shouted angrily,

“I told you never to pan Dora’s Box.”

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #142 on: March 06, 2012, 03:44:39 AM »
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister… After a while he asked:

‘Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?’

 

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was.. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more.

Melanie said, ‘If you don’t remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.’

 

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night ‘I love you so much that when you die I’m going

to bury you outside my bedroom window.’

 

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle.

Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her.

Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: ‘How does it know it’s me?’

 

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. ‘Please don’t give me this juice again,’

she said, ‘It makes my teeth cough..’

 

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: ‘How much do I cost?’

 

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom asked what was troubling him,

 he replied, ‘I don’t know what’ll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?’

 

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant.

Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: ‘Why is he whispering in her mouth?’

 

TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew.

Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, ‘Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?’

 

JAMES (age 4)was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: ‘The man named Lot was warned to take his

wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.’

Concerned, James asked: ‘What happened to the flea?’

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #143 on: March 06, 2012, 03:45:48 AM »
The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border.

Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations.

Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.

One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has

come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States.

We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"

"What do I think?" his mother said. "Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept!

I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #144 on: March 06, 2012, 03:46:34 AM »
An exhausted looking blond dragged herself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my

neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications.

"Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, it's no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the blond wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally

catch one, it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #145 on: March 06, 2012, 03:48:27 AM »
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.

They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she

had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said

she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took the shoe box to his wife’s bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and

a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.

‘When we were to be married,’ she said, ‘my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue.

She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.’

The old man was so moved to tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times

in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

‘Honey,’ he said, ‘that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?’

‘Oh,’ she said, ‘that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.’

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #146 on: March 06, 2012, 03:49:24 AM »
Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: 100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."

 

Q: How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.

 

Q: How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: That's electric's job.

 

Q: How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: It's not a bulb, it's a globe.

 

Q: How many Directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Just one... but how do you get him in there with the cute blonde?

 

Q: How many Directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Just one more, guys, I promise.

 

Q: How many Cinematographers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Just one, if he's got a good crew to do it.

 

Q: How many Cinematographers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. No, two. No... How many do we have on the truck?

 

Q: How many Superstar Actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One: They just hold it and the whole world revolves around them.

 

Q: How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Does it have to be a light bulb? I've got this neat candle holder...

 

Q: How many editors does it take to change a light bulb?

A: If we change the light bulb, we'll have to change everything!

 

Q: How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.

 

Q: How many Camera Assistants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Five: One to do it and four to tell you how they did it on the last job.

 

Q: How many Wardrobe people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: "Nobody said I needed doubles on that!"

 

Q: How many Production Assistants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Nine. One to do it and eight others to wish they'd been asked.

 

Q: How many Production Assistants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: What's a light bulb?

 

Q: How many over eager Production Assistants does it take to screw in a li...

A: Done!

 

Q: How many Executive Producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Executive Producers don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.

 

Q: How many Agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Actually, agents will screw in just about anything.

 

Q: How many Studio Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: We don't know. Light bulbs last longer than studio executives.

 

Q: How many Development Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Well, first let's talk about the concept behind this whole "light bulb" thing.

 

Q: How many Development Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two. One to take notes while the other screws it into the faucet.

 

Q: How many Screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: The bulbs IN and it's staying IN!

 

Q: How many Sound Recordists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: WHAT?

 

Q: How many 1st Assistant Directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Why the f--k are you asking me that question? Can't you see I'm busy!

 

Q: How many 2nd Assistant Directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Uh...standby, I'll check on that.

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #147 on: March 06, 2012, 03:53:37 AM »
Recently, the wife and I had the opportunity to take a fishing trip down the Wisconsin River. We'd been doing ok,

your basic river fishing morning, until it happened. We noticed a Pinion tree that seemed to have been struck by

lightning, leaving it half in the water with its trunk on shore.

I noticed just under the trunk of the tree the fanning tail of a very large Bass. I told my wife, cast your lure onto

the shore along the tree and slowly pull it into the water so that bass will nab it. So she did. Repeatedly, with no luck.

"Try a different lure," I said. She did over and over, but nothing. Now being the expert I am, I said "Let me try".

Over and over I tried, but nothing. That fish was driving us both nuts.

A midsize Grey Squirrel appeared on the base of the tree trunk, it had noticed a Pinion nut on one of the branches

of the tree about two feet above the water. With its hind legs grasping the trunk of the tree, it leaned forward with

its front paws to grab the nut, as soon as its front paws touched that nut the biggest bass I’ve ever seen jumped out

of the water and engulfed that squirrel.

We fell to our seats, with our jaws on the floor, thinking what the hell was that! We had never seen a bass so large

and capable. My wife and I both agreed that was the most amazing thing we'd ever seen!

 

For at least for 5 minutes... until that same bass came out of the water and placed another Pinion nut on that branch.

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #148 on: March 06, 2012, 04:38:42 AM »

The Rookie Cop...
 
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people." A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again..."I SAID, let's get off that corner... NOW!"
 Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.
 Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" Pretty good," chuckled the vet cop, "especially since this is a bus stop!"

Offline verbie

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Re: a nude man and a nude woman
« Reply #149 on: March 24, 2012, 02:55:59 AM »
An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat." "But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"