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Community Center => Talk Story => Topic started by: verbie on October 11, 2008, 07:22:23 AM

Title: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on October 11, 2008, 07:22:23 AM
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
>
> They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when
> one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings
> the two to life.
>
> The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred
> blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty
> minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
>
> He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
>
> The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After
> fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
>
> The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to
> do it again?'
>
> He asks her 'Shall we?'
>
> She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time,
> I'll hold the Pigeon down and you s**t on its head.'
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: Rebel on October 11, 2008, 09:13:56 AM
 :laughing9: :toothy9: :rotflmao:

That's funny.
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: glockboy on October 11, 2008, 09:55:35 AM
 :rotflmao:
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: Kenster on October 11, 2008, 11:16:03 AM
Ah POO!  :pottytrain5:      Hmmm...... :read:  Hehe!  :-[

Me :icon_geek:

Oh wait......  Howdy Verbie!  :hello2:

Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on October 11, 2008, 06:21:40 PM
Ah POO!  :pottytrain5:      Hmmm...... :read:  Hehe!  :-[

Me :icon_geek:

Oh wait......  Howdy Verbie!  :hello2:


HOWDY DUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!  What ya been up to?? :icon_biggrin:
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: Monocrom on October 12, 2008, 07:58:29 AM
Must admit, that was wicked funny!  :laughing6:
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: Kenster on October 12, 2008, 09:00:31 AM
Ah POO!  :pottytrain5:      Hmmm...... :read:  Hehe!  :-[

Me :icon_geek:

Oh wait......  Howdy Verbie!  :hello2:


HOWDY DUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!  What ya been up to?? :icon_biggrin:

Kenster up to?   :naughty:   :-[  Hmmm  :thinking: ..... Haven`t been harassing you lately  >:( .....  Bad Kenster!  :2bonk: :2bonk:  How about a semi-hijack?  :o .....  I heard a "Yup!" :woot: Hehe!  :-[   

#1 to your #2?  :rolleye: ....... Read!  :read2:

An 80 year old man went for a physical. All of his tests cam back with normal results. The doctor said, "Everything looks great but how are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?".

George replied, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight so he has fixed it so when I go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof. The light goes off." Doc says "Wow, that is incredible!"

Later, the doctor called Georges wife. "Ethel, George is doing fine but I had to call because I am in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that when he gets up during the night to go to the bathroom that, poof! The lights go on in the bathroom and when he is done, poof! The lights go off?"

"Oh my Lord!" Ethel exclaimed "He is peeing in the refrigerator again!"


Hope this post didn`t make the "Verbster"  8) mad at me?  :-[

Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on October 12, 2008, 07:34:56 PM
Hijacking a joke with another is always a welcome.  :D  Hmmm...let me go search for another one. :icon_biggrin:
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: Monocrom on October 13, 2008, 11:05:05 PM
Hijacking a joke with another is always a welcome.

Really?? Okay, here's one.....

A rich farmer decides he's made enough money, and should take a wife. He goes into town, and picks the prettiest one he finds. She figures he can give her excellent financial security, so they are soon married. Walking out of the church, she finds that her new husband has purchased a new wagon and horse. She sits next to him on the bench seat as he takes the reins, and the horse begins to move forward at a nice clip.

It rained the night before, and down the road there's a small puddle. Farmer thinks to himself, "Well, I'm sure this horse has enough sense to step over the puddle."

NOPE!

Horse steps right into the puddle, gets the farmer's new shoes totally wet. Wife looks a bit concerned. Farmer just looks at the horse, smiles, and says "That's one."

Wife is a bit impressed that he stayed so calm. Further down the road, there appears a bigger puddle than before. This time the farmer is sure that the horse will see it and avoid it.

NOPE!

Horse steps right into the middle of it, splashes water all over the farmer's new pants. Wife is certain he's going to lose his cool now. (Any man would). But the farmer just looks at the horse, smiles, and says "That's two."

Now, nearly half-way home, the farmer and his wife see a huge puddle in the middle of the road. Farmer is still confident that his new horse won't be stupid enough to step in such a huge puddle.

NOPE!

He steps right in it! Farmer is now covered in head-to-toe in muddy water. Wife braces herself for what she feels is going to be a very loud, angry, outburst from her new husband. To her complete shock, her new husband stays completely calm. He just looks at the horse, smiles, and says "That's three."

And as the farmer slowly climbs off of the wagon, his new wife is extremely impressed. She can't believe she married someone with the patience of a Saint.

The farmer walks over to the horse, pulls out a small pistol from his vest pocket..... And shoots the horse dead! Right between the eyes!

The wife can't belive what she sees!!

She jumps off the wagon, runs over to him, and starts screaming at him...."What the Hell is wrong with you, are you insane?!?! You shot the horse!! How the Hell, are we supposed to get home now?! Do you expect me to walk in my Wedding dress?! You idiot!! Answer me!! Say something, don't just stand there like a fool!! Say something!!"

Farmer just looks at the wife, smiles, and says "That's one."
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: arewethereyetdad on October 14, 2008, 12:23:12 PM
That's good!  :laughing7:
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on October 15, 2008, 09:57:14 AM
here's another joke  :P

Bruce and BigV are having a debate about the depth of large hole they find in the ground. They can't see the bottom and both are speculating pointlessly. Bruce suggests they drop a pebble down the hole and count how long it takes till it hits bottom.

They drop a pebble down and wait a while, but no sound comes back.

"We need a bigger rock." offers BigV. They drop a basketball sized stone down the hole, and wait and wait and still, no sound.

Bruce and BigV look at one another and say "wow, that is a deep hole. We need to find a really huge rock so it makes a loud enough noise for us to hear."

They search around a while and can't find a rock, but they do find a railroad tie, so they drag it over to the hole and shove it in. They stand watching it for a bit when all of a sudden a goat comes leaping out of the bushes and charges straight at them. They both jump out of the way and the goat dives head first into the hole.

They look at each other and say "Holy s**t! did you see that? That was some weird ass s**t, just then. That goat charged us and then dove into the hole."

They decide to leave the hole alone, and begin to walk away.

Just then, Griff walks up and says "hey guys, did you see a goat around here?"

"Well, yeah. This goat just attacked us then jumped in that hole over there." Said Bruce.

"It couldn't have been my goat." said Griff, "My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: griff on October 15, 2008, 12:19:50 PM

A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles.

A drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, "I love a woman that does aerobics."

The woman replies angrily, "I dont DO aerobics!"

The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, "Then how did you get your leg up so high?"
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on October 16, 2008, 06:55:41 AM
A seemingly intoxicated cowboy lay sprawled across three
entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater.

When the usher came by and noticed
this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the
aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.
The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?""Fred," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,

...."The balcony".... ..
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: flashlight on January 28, 2009, 08:23:28 AM
Here's a story of a real nude man and woman  :o - http://mediacorptv.sg/English/forums/thread/214322.aspx
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: Zymurgy on February 22, 2009, 01:10:21 PM
As men age, we start seeing more and more of the medical world and its employees, which nowadays seems to have more and more women as our Physicians and Therapists, etc. and in this case a new Urologist for me.  My family Doctor just recently referred me to a just out of medical school female urologist. I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy. She told me that I must stop masturbating.  I asked her why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you......"
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: Zymurgy on February 22, 2009, 01:12:31 PM
TOOLS EXPLAINED BY A DO-IT-YOURSELFER


DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
 

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh s**t'

 

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

 

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.


PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes u sed in the creation of blood-blisters.


BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they ca n also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.


OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub when you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts next to the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as leather seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: Zymurgy on February 22, 2009, 01:15:25 PM
Ninja Cat

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OcUROQL29H0 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OcUROQL29H0)
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: Zymurgy on February 22, 2009, 01:17:30 PM
Do you believe this?  No way!

 

These guys ARE that good!

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHH-6ZQktRQ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHH-6ZQktRQ)


 


 
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: Zymurgy on February 22, 2009, 01:23:04 PM

Ba Da Boom !!!


A man goes to see his Rabbi and says, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi asks, "How can that be?"

The man pleads, "I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi says, "I'll talk to her."

The next day the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife for over three hours. You want my advice?"

The man anxiously answers, "Yes."

"Take the poison."


Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: Zymurgy on February 22, 2009, 01:26:19 PM
Absolutely Nuts !!!!!!


WHEN picture appears, CLICK ON WHITE ARROW LOWER LEFT ON SCREEN and video WILL SRART TO PLAY.
 
 
 
 
 
Click on the link below
 
http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=1778399&server=vimeo.com&show_title=1&show_byline=1&show_portrait=0&color=&fullscreen (http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=1778399&server=vimeo.com&show_title=1&show_byline=1&show_portrait=0&color=&fullscreen)

 
 
 
 
 

 
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: Zymurgy on February 22, 2009, 01:32:50 PM
Switching To A Secure Frequency


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ptnJpF_WvUk (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ptnJpF_WvUk)
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on March 14, 2009, 09:12:31 PM
Absolutely Nuts !!!!!!


WHEN picture appears, CLICK ON WHITE ARROW LOWER LEFT ON SCREEN and video WILL SRART TO PLAY.
 
 
Click on the link below
 
http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=1778399&server=vimeo.com&show_title=1&show_byline=1&show_portrait=0&color=&fullscreen (http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=1778399&server=vimeo.com&show_title=1&show_byline=1&show_portrait=0&color=&fullscreen)
Man, that would feel so exhilarating and absolutely awesome!  Freakin' scary at the same time!!  :tongue1:
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on March 14, 2009, 09:15:04 PM
Three women die together in an accident and
go to heaven.


When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We! only have
one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are
ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to
step on a duck, and although they try their best to
avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one..


Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.


St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your
punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend
eternity chained to this ugly man!'


The next day, the second woman accidentally steps
on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't
miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment
as for the first woman.


The third woman has observed all this and, not
wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man,
is very, VERY careful where she steps.


She manages to go months without stepping on
any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her
with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes
on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.



St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.


The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to
deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'


The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped
on a duck!'
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on March 14, 2009, 09:18:34 PM
At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circu mcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on March 14, 2009, 09:19:14 PM
Two Garbage Bags


A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.'

'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me...'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money?' 'You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.'

'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop. OK? Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well, you know', says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on March 14, 2009, 09:20:31 PM
You are on the bus when you suddenly realize .... you need to fart.


The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.


After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.


As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down,


and that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on March 22, 2009, 05:17:47 AM
An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a Stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at Midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed And he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through The door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm Not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak In the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was Told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay Of execution after all. Wright would not behanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on April 24, 2009, 04:23:54 AM
WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses; the results were pretty interesting:
30% of women think their ass is too fat............
10% of women think their ass is too skinny......

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.   ;)
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on April 24, 2009, 04:25:50 AM
Cup of Tea

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of
my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought
Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came
home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea,
because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea
for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know..

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is
the toilet?
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on April 24, 2009, 04:26:49 AM
 One day, a long time ago, there lived a beautiful woman who didn't complain, nag, or whine.



















But that was a long time ago and it was just for one day.
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on June 07, 2009, 06:07:45 AM
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter..
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on June 13, 2009, 05:10:59 AM
cute...hehe...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VUQ-4Z17s4&feature=player_embedded (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VUQ-4Z17s4&feature=player_embedded)
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on July 06, 2009, 04:30:36 AM
 :D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I2NOfOeSX4k (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I2NOfOeSX4k)
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on July 13, 2009, 02:09:15 AM
Learning medicine in class

At school little Johnny's class is learning about medicines.

Sister Catherine, the teacher, asks the pupils what kind of medicines they
know and what they are used for.

The first pupil said: 'Tylenol?'
'Very good! And what is it used for?'
'It is used for a headache.'

The second pupil said: 'Nytol.'
'Excellent!' said Sister Catherine. 'And what it is used for?'
'To help you sleep', replied the student.

Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: 'Viagra.'
'And what is it used for, Johnny?' asked the surprised Sister Catherine.
'It is used for diarrhea.'
'And who told you this, Johnny?'
'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father 'take a Viagra, and
maybe that s**t will get harder.''
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on August 24, 2009, 07:18:17 PM
Bubba walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Bubba said: ‘Shingles.’
So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, ‘Shingles.’
So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, ‘Shingles.’
So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, ‘Shingles.’
The doctor asked, ‘Where?’
Bubba said, ‘Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ‘em??’
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on August 24, 2009, 07:20:17 PM
Kind of lengthy but worth it!  Or you can read it little at a time.

Random Thoughts of the Day:

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can
think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell
my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves
me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong.

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to
have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and
sticks when they've invented the lighter?

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're
going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to
be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the
direction from which you came, you have to first do something like
check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to
yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're
crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This
recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never
be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't
work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically
fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all
know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards
or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first
saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually
becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting
90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's
laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little
bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the
only one who really, really gets it.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the
spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron
test is absolutely petrifying.

My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads.
Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired
about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us."
Classy, bro.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all
I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod
and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when a n entire line of cars teams up
to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!


While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
and you can wear them forever.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got
the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if
I do!

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would
probably just be completely invisible.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly
nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be
a problem....

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything
productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't
want to have to restart my collection.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I
swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching
TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge
me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching
this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the
room. Will we still be friends after this?'

While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China
and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that
when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and
goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone
and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing
anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she
hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light
internet stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle,
then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising
speed for pedophiles...

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,
but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not
know what time it is.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.

I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I
find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from
the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
keys in a pocket, finding their cellphone, and Pinning the Tail on the
Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze
button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time
every time...

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would
happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the
link takes me to a video instead of text.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they
drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw
they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words,
someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think
about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people
eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by
myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard
before dinner.

-- source unknown -- (but pretty sure I wrote it when I wasn't looking)
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on September 22, 2009, 11:56:54 AM
WAL MART INTERVIEW


Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s**t my pants..'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on September 22, 2009, 11:57:55 AM
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.


I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing a gale, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And that's how the fight started ...

_______________________________________________________________________

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's how the fight started ...

_______________________________________________________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too'

And that's how the fight started ...

_______________________________________________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and Little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it ... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's how the fight started ...

_______________________________________________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah,' I said, 'she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight started ...

_______________________________________________________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And that's how the fight started .....

_______________________________________________________________________


A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started ........
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on September 22, 2009, 11:58:28 AM
Little Johnny

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me
Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny, a bright Navajo Indian boy, who had his hand up: "Patrick
Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said, "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the
Earth?'"

Again, no response except from Little Johnny. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Little Johnny knows more about history than you
do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Indians."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Little Johnny put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862.."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared around and asked, "All right!!! Now who said that!?"

Again, Little Johnny said, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little s**t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying
against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh s**t, we're screwed!"

Little Johnny said quietly, "The American people, November 4, 2008"
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on September 23, 2009, 05:22:28 AM
If an elephant's front legs are running at 50 miles per hour, what are its back legs doing?










hauling ass.
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on December 06, 2009, 09:34:57 PM
The Triple Filter Test


In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC) Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.

Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really"

Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on December 08, 2009, 06:42:16 AM
The Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Alberta ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Alberta Ranching Association and Farming Association by the Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest Service.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those coyotes ain't f***in' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!'
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on December 08, 2009, 06:45:32 AM
Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a Valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'

'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.

'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.

'Well,' she said, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'

'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once they get him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the mother f***er!'
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on December 12, 2009, 04:52:23 AM
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:



MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyIndianapolis.



When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital....... :tongue1:
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on January 06, 2010, 02:50:42 AM
NPR had a segment with "Ask Amy" who is kind of an Ann Landers for the Chicago Tribune newspaper. Anyway she had done a column on "What was the worst Christmas present you ever got" and it was pretty funny. Lots of responses mentioned the gift was from their spouse or make that their Ex spouse! And lots of the responses were for re-gifts, the ones that are used and passed on.

Here are some of the best ones:
"Dear Amy, In 2004 my husband gave me a cemetery plot."

"Here's an email we have from Mandy in Lansing. One Christmas, I received a smoothie maker from my mother. Not only was it used and not in working condition, the previous owner had left it sticky with an old smoothie. I also received a box of Band-Aids as a birthday gift. Mom refuses to take suggestions."

"Dear Amy, one year, my father gave me a used electric carving knife that had blood on it, you know, why people don't even wash these things out."

"This woman's brother had given her - it's like he had cleaned out his medicine cabinet and had given her several little boxes of floss, dental floss, half gone."

"One year, my grandparents who are notoriously cheap decided they didn't need to send - need a Christmas tree so they gave us ornaments off the tree with - along with hotel shampoo and conditioner they had swiped over the years from their snowbird travels. That year we also got 8x10 photos of them as our present. The photo now hangs in my bathroom, which I feel is fitting."
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on January 25, 2010, 05:20:17 AM
"Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"




Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday."
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on February 11, 2010, 08:17:44 PM
A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet
and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little 'whoops' and prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her and he's good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam . . if you farted just looking at it - you're going to s**t when I tell you the price.
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on February 11, 2010, 08:18:42 PM
IDIOT SIGHTINGS

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two..."

We haven't used Sears repair since.


IDIOT SIGHTING:

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "You gave me too much money."
I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter,
and said "We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.


IDIOT SIGHTING:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

From Kingman, KS.


IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Kansas City


IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded,
"That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham, Ala.


IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stop-light on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?

She is a probation officer in Wichita, KS.


IDIOT SIGHTING:

I attended a "good-bye" luncheon for an old and dear co-worker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often."
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that "deer-in-the-headlights"stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.


IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office.


IDIOT ENCOUNTERS:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician,
"It's open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS.

I love this one!:


When I left Hawaii and was transferred to FL, I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii . I was parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?" I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge."
He nodded his head and said "Cool!"

STAY ALERT!
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on February 11, 2010, 08:19:24 PM
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie. 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'she came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken s**t.
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: Geologist on February 15, 2010, 03:40:54 PM
Quote
"If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
:rotflmao:
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on March 02, 2010, 03:29:03 AM
God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on where to go.
“Why not go to Jupiter?” asked St. Peter.
“No, too much gravity, too much stomping around,” said God.
“Well, how about Mercury?”
“No, it’s too hot there.”
“Okay,” said St. Peter, “what about Earth?”
“No,” said God, “They’re such horrible gossips. When I was there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they’re still talking about it.”
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on March 02, 2010, 03:29:54 AM
MY PRIVATE PART DIED

An old man, Mr.. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes
a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace.
Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall
with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,
'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace.
'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that,
but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'




'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on March 04, 2010, 04:55:53 AM
Recently, in a large city in France , a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said, "This summer, do you
want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

A middle-aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern,
Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans.) They have an active sex life, get pregnant and have adorable baby
whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like
Patagonia , the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia . Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures
and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human?

They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex? Just look at them ... where is IT?
Therefore, they don't have kids either. Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me: I want to be a whale.

P..S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my
kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate with my friends. With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.So we aren't heavy, we are
enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, ¨Good grief, look how smart I am!¨
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on March 04, 2010, 04:56:22 AM
 Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asked the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on March 16, 2010, 04:09:51 AM
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Cannot think of single one, solly. My philosophy: No Pain... GOOD!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTEN!!! .... Foods fried in vegetable oil . How getting more vegetables bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy? HELLO ... Cocoa bean! Vegetable!!! Cocoa bean best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4 The Italians drink a lot of red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION.....

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on March 16, 2010, 04:10:24 AM
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine
when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop
and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating
grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the
poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my
house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with
me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated,
"You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said,
"But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task,
even for a car as large as the limousine was.


Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned
to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."


"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place.

"The grass is almost a foot high"
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on March 25, 2010, 07:52:14 PM
This is actually not a joke but a lesson for you men.  However, you may laugh if you want to.

Nine Words Women Use:

    (1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.


    (2) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

    (3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
    (4) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

    (5) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

    (6) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

    (7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

    (8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying F--- YOU!

    (9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on March 27, 2010, 07:11:15 AM
A teacher in a Detroit kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes.



Little Tyrone stood up and yelled:



"FREEZE, MUTHAf***A!"

I guess there aren't many farms in Detroit ..
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on March 30, 2010, 04:13:41 AM
What's green and red and green and red and green and red.
A tomato in an elevator.


What's yellow and goes slam slam slam slam?
A four-door banana.


What's brown and sticky?
A stick.


:laughing6:  These jokes are lame, I know.  :icon_biggrin:
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on April 01, 2010, 02:31:32 AM
Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps were a French guy, an English bloke, a little old Greek lady and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap..
>
When the train emerges from the tunnel the French guy has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
>
The old lady thinks: The French guy must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek.
>
The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That French guy must have tried to grope me in the dark but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.
>
The French guy thinks: That English bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark - she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
>
And the English bloke thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel just so I can smack that French bastard again.
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on April 01, 2010, 02:32:02 AM
PROMISE AFTER DEATH ....

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

" Marion ... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"





"No..........I'm a rabbit in Arizona ...."
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on April 08, 2010, 07:54:08 PM
The Wedding Ring


A man went to the hospital in Toronto to have his wedding ring cut off from
his penis.

According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the
ring in his pants pocket.

She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to
slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.

2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.

OR...


3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

Tough call. You decide.
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on April 08, 2010, 07:54:36 PM
A professor at Leeds University was giving a lecture on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

'Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe,do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.

Has anyone here ever talked to or touched a ghost?'

About 3 students raise their hand.

'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further......Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Abdul raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture,

no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.

You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The big student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Abdul , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Abdul replied, "Oh, uh sorry..... From where I was sitting at the back I thought you said Goats! "
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on April 08, 2010, 07:55:46 PM
One fine, sunny day, a rabbit sat outside his burrow, typing on his laptop. Along came a fox, out for a walk.
"What are you working on, Rabbit?" asked the fox.
"My thesis," said the rabbit.
"Hmm. What's it about?" asked the fox.
"It's about how rabbits eat foxes," replied the rabbit.
"That's ridiculous!" exclaimed the fox. "Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes."
"Sure they do," said the rabbit. "And I can prove it! Come into my burrow."

They disappeared inside and after a few minutes, the rabbit emerged alone, returned to his laptop, and resumed typing.

Soon, a wolf came along. "What are you working on, Rabbit?"
"My thesis," the rabbit replied.
"Hmm. What's it about?" asked the wolf.
"It's about how rabbits eat wolves," said the rabbit.
"That's ridiculous!" exclaimed the wolf. "Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat wolves."
"Sure they do," said the rabbit calmly. "And I can prove it! Come into my burrow."

They disappeared inside and after a few minutes, the rabbit emerged alone, returned to his laptop, and resumed typing.

Meanwhile, inside the rabbit's burrow there was a pile of fox bones and a pile of wolf bones -- and a lion picking his teeth.

The Moral: It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis subject. It doesn't matter what you use for data. What matters is who you have for a thesis advisor!
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on April 12, 2010, 05:51:36 AM
Question:
What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?

Answer:
A crazy bitch who WILL find you! :evil1:
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on April 15, 2010, 04:05:01 AM
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, Savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . . . I called Lifeline. Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.

They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck....
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on May 19, 2010, 04:07:12 PM

HAVE YOU EVER
> BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I
> CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?
> WELL...YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
>
> MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY
> FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
> I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
> SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME
> NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
>
>
> COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
> UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
> THIS BALDING, GREY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO
> OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM
> IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .
>
> 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
>
> 'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
>
> HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
>
> 'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
>
> HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
>
>
> THEN, THAT
>
> UGLY,
>
> OLD,
>
> BALD,
>
> WRINKLED,
>
> FAT ASS,
>
> GREY-HAIRED,
>
> DECREPIT,
>
> SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED ME :
>
>
> 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on May 19, 2010, 04:08:23 PM
One afternoon, Harry Harrington walks into his supervisor's office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Harry," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Harry. "I knew I could count on you!"
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on May 19, 2010, 04:10:14 PM
Man takes his fish into the veterinarian and says to the doc, "I think my fish has epilepsy."
Doctor takes a look at the fish thru the fishbowl and says, "I don't see anything wrong with him sir. He looks completely healthy."
Before the doctor could usher him out the exam room, the man replied, "Wait doc... Lemme take him outta the bowl!"
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on May 26, 2010, 07:44:42 PM
So cute.  This may belong somewhere else but I'm too lazy to figure out where.  It made me chuckled so here it will stay.  :D

Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on May 26, 2010, 07:46:30 PM
Hihi...
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on May 26, 2010, 10:12:19 PM
Excuses for not coming to work....well, sorta.... :P


I cant make it in today. I have something wrong with my feet. I can't stand work.

I cant make it in today. I have something wrong with my eyes. I can't see myself getting anything done today.

I cant make it in today. I have something wrong with my bowels. I don't give a s**t.

I cant make it in today. I have something wrong with my genitals. I don't give a well there are many more, you figure them out.
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on June 03, 2010, 02:26:21 AM
You know why there are no Chinese telephone directories?

There are so many Wings and Wongs that for every Wing there are two Wong numbers.
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on June 03, 2010, 02:26:56 AM
Coyote Problem

California:

Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks dog.

#1. Governor starts to intervene, reflects upon the movie "Bambi"
and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.

#2. He calls animal control. Animal control captures coyote and
spends $200 testing it for diseases and $500 upon relocating it.

#3. He calls veterinarian. Vet collects dead dog and spends $200
testing it for diseases.

#4. Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for
diseases from the coyote and on getting bite wound bandaged.

#5. Running trail gets shut down for 6 months while wildlife
services conduct a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is clear
of dangerous animals.

#6. Governor spends $50,000 of state funds implementing a "coyote
awareness" program for residents of the area.

#7. State legislature spends $2 million investigating how to better
handle rabies and how to possibly eradicate the disease.

#8. Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack
and for letting the Governor intervene.

#9. Cost: $75,000 to train new security agent.

#10. PETA protests the coyote relocation and files suit against the state.

Texas:

#1. Governor shoots coyote and keeps jogging. Governor has spent
$0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge. Buzzards eat dead coyote.


Any wonder why California is broke?
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on June 17, 2010, 04:03:13 AM
Word of the day:
FOCUS

When you are annoyed with someone tell them to FOCUS
It means...
f*** Off 'Cause U're Stupid!
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: gangte on June 22, 2010, 06:48:26 PM
there is one thing that I found most humorous, really funny
Title: !
Post by: Kenster on July 10, 2010, 03:00:50 AM
Verb.. verb.. verbs da word... verb verb verb.......  >:(  oh SHUT DA!   :P

All the best to my friend.....

The Verbster! :D

Me  8)
Title: Re: !
Post by: verbie on July 16, 2010, 04:08:31 AM
Verb.. verb.. verbs da word... verb verb verb.......  >:(  oh SHUT DA!   :P

All the best to my friend.....

The Verbster! :D

Me  8)
Dude!!!!!!!!  :hugme: :hugme:  How are ya?  I missed you!  :D  I tried pming you but your inbox was too full.  :rolleye: 
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on July 16, 2010, 04:08:58 AM

Mistletoe At The Airport

It was slightly before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.

As he approached the counter to check his luggage he saw hanging mistletoe.
Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant,

"Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

(pause)

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."

(pause)

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on July 16, 2010, 04:09:52 AM
revenge at it's finest!

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

I was not so pleased. I turned to mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied, "OH YES! I do remember."
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on July 16, 2010, 04:10:51 AM
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on July 16, 2010, 04:13:57 AM
Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my co- worker Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware.

As we crossed back into the United States, a customs official asked if we had anything of value to report.

"Not really," Maureen replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock she had purchased.
Everyone around us froze as she continued, "I only bought a little pot."
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on July 16, 2010, 04:15:16 AM
A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles east of the Virginia / West Virginia State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley , WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance briefly, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car and opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.'
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on July 16, 2010, 04:16:13 AM
Why are wedding dresses white?


Son asked his mother the following question:

"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and
replies,

"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,


"Son, all household appliances come in white."
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on August 21, 2010, 04:54:55 AM
Alas, where has all our innocence gone?

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too..'



*****

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them..'



*****

Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'



******

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children.. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!



******

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, 'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer.'



*****

Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq .' 'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'



*****

Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares.'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'



*****

.... God's Problem Now:

His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on August 22, 2010, 07:26:11 PM
As we were driving my 6-yr old G-daughter said: "That was a female tree"
I naively asked "What do you mean ? How do you know ?"
She said: "Because it didn't have any peanuts"
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on October 10, 2010, 03:32:55 AM
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on October 10, 2010, 03:33:55 AM
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on December 31, 2010, 05:41:27 AM
To Be 6 Again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to
have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall
of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted.


He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six
again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you freaking retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna
get it wrong.
__________________
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on December 31, 2010, 05:42:04 AM
Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'


She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, dear, it's called sexual intercourse.’ ‘Oh,’ Little Tony said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.



A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on December 31, 2010, 05:43:06 AM
What do you call a fish with no eye?

Fsh.
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on December 31, 2010, 05:49:04 AM
FOOTBALL AND THE BLONDE......
Out of all the blonde jokes, this has to be one of the best!

Football FINALLY makes sense..........

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand
why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like....

Helloooooo?

It's only 25 cents!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on December 31, 2010, 05:55:24 AM
Cookies by Douglas Adams (author: "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy")


Quote:
This actually did happen to a real person, and the real person was me. I had gone to catch a train. This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K. I was a bit early for the train. I'd gotten the time of the train wrong.

I went to get myself a newspaper to do the crossword, and a cup of coffee and a packet of cookies. I went and sat at a table.

I want you to picture the scene. It's very important that you get this very clear in your mind.

Here's the table, newspaper, cup of coffee, packet of cookies. There's a guy sitting opposite me, perfectly ordinary-looking guy wearing a business suit, carrying a briefcase.

It didn't look like he was going to do anything weird. What he did was this: he suddenly leaned across, picked up the packet of cookies, tore it open, took one out, and ate it.

Now this, I have to say, is the sort of thing the British are very bad at dealing with. There's nothing in our background, upbringing, or education that teaches you how to deal with someone who in broad daylight has just stolen your cookies.

You know what would happen if this had been South Central Los Angeles. There would have very quickly been gunfire, helicopters coming in, CNN, you know. . . But in the end, I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do: I ignored it. And I stared at the newspaper, took a sip of coffee, tried to do a clue in the newspaper, couldn't do anything, and thought, what am I going to do?

In the end I thought, nothing for it, I'll just have to go for it, and I tried very hard not to notice the fact that the packet was already mysteriously opened. I took out a cookie for myself. I thought, that settled him. But it hadn't because a moment or two later he did it again. He took another cookie.

Having not mentioned it the first time, it was somehow even harder to raise the subject the second time around. "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice . . ." I mean, it doesn't really work.

We went through the whole packet like this. When I say the whole packet, I mean there were only about eight cookies, but it felt like a lifetime. He took one, I took one, he took one, I took one. Finally, when we got to the end, he stood up and walked away.

Well, we exchanged meaningful looks, then he walked away, and I breathed a sigh of relief and sat back. A moment or two later the train was coming in, so I tossed back the rest of my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper were my cookies.

The thing I like particularly about this story is the sensation that somewhere in England there has been wandering around for the last quarter-century a perfectly ordinary guy who's had the same exact story, only he doesn't have the punch line. 

(Excerpted from "The Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time" by Douglas Adams)
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on December 31, 2010, 05:56:16 AM
Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and S**** for Brains.

EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on December 31, 2010, 05:57:01 AM
The class was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible
for a college class and the instructions were that it had to discuss
Religion, Sexuality and Mystery. The only one who received an A+ wrote the
following:





Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it.
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on January 12, 2011, 04:56:07 AM
A good, clean living Pagan died and went to Heaven. St Peter met him at the door. "You can't come in, " he said.

The Pagan asked, "Why?"

St Peter said, "You're Pagan, sorry. But Hell isn't so bad. Your friends are there and they say it's cool"

The Pagan is depressed but goes anyway because he was, well, Pagan.

So he goes to hell and is greeted by a beautiful green field with people picnicking and having a great time.

A man in white comes to him and presents himself as Satan.

"Wow" thinks the pagan, "Hell isn't so bad" Suddenly, the sky gets black and fire spews from the ground. A screaming flaming man falls from the sky and is swallowed by a crack in the earth. After he disappears, everything returns to normal. "What was that?," the pagan asks Satan.

Satan replies, "That was a Christian. They wouldn't have hell any other way"
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on January 12, 2011, 04:56:50 AM
A blonde walked up to a coke machine, put in a dollar, and got out a coke. She then put in another dollar, and got another coke. Again and again, she put in more and more dollars and got out more and more cokes.

As she was doing this, a man came and stood behind her. he tapped her on her shoulder, and said "What on earth are you doing?"

She replied angrily " Shut up! Cant you see im winning?!"
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on January 12, 2011, 04:57:36 AM
Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks "Where did you get that"? The parrot replies "Africa. They're all over the place".
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on January 12, 2011, 04:58:16 AM
The Defective Parrot


A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies.

'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.
'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird.'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.

'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.

You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy.

'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.

I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.

You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes.

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch!'


If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day.
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: Kenster on January 18, 2011, 07:30:10 AM
Howdy sweet SWEEEET  :D Verbie

remember me?  >:(

Sorry :P

Love the title of dis tread  :-[

Best wishes my friend  :)
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: Geologist on January 18, 2011, 12:03:52 PM
Howdy sweet SWEEEET  :D Verbie

remember me?  >:(

Sorry :P

Love the title of dis tread  :-[

Best wishes my friend  :)

Hi Ken! Hi Verbie!
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on January 27, 2011, 06:00:17 AM
Howdy sweet SWEEEET  :D Verbie

remember me?  >:(

Sorry :P

Love the title of dis tread  :-[

Best wishes my friend  :)
Hi there Kenster!  Can never forget ya.  ;)  You're doing good, yes?  :)
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on January 27, 2011, 06:01:32 AM
Howdy sweet SWEEEET  :D Verbie

remember me?  >:(

Sorry :P

Love the title of dis tread  :-[

Best wishes my friend  :)

Hi Ken! Hi Verbie!
A BIG HI TO YOU, GEOLOGIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D  How are you doing?  :)
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on January 27, 2011, 06:01:59 AM
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "You probrem very bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when you face rook Ed Zachary rike you ass."
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on February 12, 2011, 12:47:03 AM
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as
gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus...Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said:
"Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on February 24, 2011, 10:11:28 PM
After a long night of making love, the guy
notices a photo of another man, on the woman's
nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.

'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.

'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his
ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires,
hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!'
she answers.

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.
She whispers in his ear

'That's me before the surgery.' ...

*********************************************************

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

***********************************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

*********************************************************

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

***********************************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

***********************************************************

A Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has
just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs,

"That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Tipperrary baby boy.."

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.. The bartender says,
"Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?

Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks .... so how much does he weigh now?
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds".

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened"? "He was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips
on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised".

***********************************************************

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.


An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"


"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America , and the other to Australia . We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."



The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.



Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two
beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.



The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know - the two beers and all.



The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on February 28, 2011, 03:23:02 AM
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they spotted a girl about
to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets
off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"


"I'm going to commit suicide," she said.
While the biker didn't want to
appear insensitive, he also didn't want to miss an opportunity.
"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"


So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
 When she has
finished kissing, the biker says, "Wow! That was the bet kiss I have ever
had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous! Why are
you committing suicide?"


"Because my parents don't like me dressing up like a girl ... "
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on April 27, 2011, 05:33:02 AM
Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knocks the mini Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window, leans out and shouts, "GET THE f*** OFF OUR CAR!"
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: BraddahBill on April 27, 2011, 06:05:17 AM
Hi verbie,

Just to let you know I come by to this thread to get a laugh or two.


Thanks for posting.


Bill
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on June 22, 2011, 03:10:49 AM
BraddahBill: Thank you!  I'm glad someone's enjoying the thread.  I sometimes wonder if anyone reads this.  :)  Here's another one for you.


The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of republican loggers with 'Go Sarah' T-Shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest.. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between republican loggers and democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies 'Who was that guy?'
'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.'

'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on June 24, 2011, 11:27:17 PM
Lipstick in Catholic School....

According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.


That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.


Finally the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).


To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers..... And then there are educators!!!
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on June 25, 2011, 02:08:25 AM
When I was camping in Yosemite the ranger told me a story about a guy who brought a "bear proof" ice chest. The ranger asked him what made it bear proof. The guy answered that the latch was so complicated that a bear would never be able to open it. The ranger registered his skepticism but told the guy there was nothing he could do to stop him from using it.

The next day The ranger stopped by the campsite to see how the guy made out. And, he was right, the bear couldn't undo the latch, so it undid the hinges.
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: BraddahBill on June 27, 2011, 09:06:31 AM
LOL   

Mahalo,
Bill
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on July 06, 2011, 03:41:45 AM
Not so much a joke but...

An accident occurred just outside my wife's place the other night. A hit and run.

The runner smashed into a car which pulled out in front of him. The smashee totally admitted fault. Had the other guy stayed around, that would probably have been the end of it right there. But no, he rabbited. LEAVING HIS FRONT BUMPER AND LICENSE PLATE BEHIND!!!!!

I'm guessing the driver was drunk at the time. Or illegal. Or perhaps the car was stolen. No matter what, the police were likely waiting for him at home.

True dumb criminal story.
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on July 09, 2011, 01:26:59 PM
An old guy … ok, middle-age and not in the best of shape.... was working out in the gym when he spotted a sexy, beautiful young woman.

He asked the nearby trainer, "What machine should I use in here to impress that cute young thing over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said, "The ATM in the lobby."
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: susanawalkly on August 02, 2011, 02:57:06 AM
 :D  wow, that's funny! laughing is just the best way to communication.
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: BraddahBill on August 04, 2011, 07:40:12 AM
LOL  so true!!!!    ;)


An old guy … ok, middle-age and not in the best of shape.... was working out in the gym when he spotted a sexy, beautiful young woman.

He asked the nearby trainer, "What machine should I use in here to impress that cute young thing over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said, "The ATM in the lobby."
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on August 17, 2011, 03:13:14 AM
Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!
 
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.  While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.
 
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
 
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
 
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
 
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't never seen nobody do it!'
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on August 18, 2011, 10:14:06 PM
The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Hmm..."mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors....
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side . . . then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"
The midget replied, "perfect Doc, and I didn't feel it. What did you do?"
The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on September 04, 2011, 09:42:42 PM
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have
a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he
checks his teeth. Finally, the vet says, "I'm going to have to put
him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy".
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on September 04, 2011, 09:43:20 PM
Baptizing an Irishman


An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk,
when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol,

hereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk shouts, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"

The drunk answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time
holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about,
he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"



The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water,
catches his breath, and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on September 04, 2011, 09:45:57 PM
A crusty old man walks into the local Catholic church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, Sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the priest's study to inform him of her situation. The priest agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to her office and the priest asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 20 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money."

"I see," said the priest. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on September 04, 2011, 09:46:20 PM
The Weather Channel says yesterday’s east cost earthquake was caused by an unknown fault line running under D.C. and through Virginia.

It is now being called Obama’s Fault, though Obama says it’s really Bush’s Fault.

Other theories are that it was the founding fathers rolling over in their graves, or that what we all believed to be an earthquake was actually the effects of a 14.6 trillion dollar check bouncing in Washington.
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on September 07, 2011, 11:33:19 PM
Harass is not two words
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on September 07, 2011, 11:33:54 PM
Q. What is the cheapest meat?

A. Deer balls, there under a buck.
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on September 07, 2011, 11:34:39 PM
variant: What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

Deer nuts are under a buck.
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on September 08, 2011, 02:23:27 AM
The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist
Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist. They put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors." The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.  "Catatonics and High Colonics"... No go.   Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives"... thumbs down. Then came "Minds and Behinds"... still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes"... unacceptable!   So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts"... not a chance.   "Nuts and Butts"... no way.   "Freaks and Cheeks".... still no good.   "Loons and Moons"... forget it.   The docs finally came up with  "Dr. Smith and Dr.. Jones: Odds and Ends"   Everyone loved it.
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on September 09, 2011, 11:13:26 PM
An old woman is riding an elevator in a lavish store when a beautiful woman gets in the
elevator, smelling of perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly,
"Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!" Another beautiful woman gets on the
elevator, and turns to her and says, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"The old woman is
about to get off the elevator but before she leaves, she looks both women in the eye,
farts and as the door closes behind her says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound"
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on October 02, 2011, 04:36:33 PM
Two guys were discussing  popular family trends on sex, marriage,  and
family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't  sleep with my wife before we got married, did
you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what  was her maiden  name?'

___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father  and asked: 'Dad, where did my
Intelligence come  from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you  must have got it from your mother,
Cause I  still have  mine.'

___________________________________________

'Mr.  Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,'  the divorce
Court Judge said, 'And I've decided  to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's  very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And  every now and
Then I'll try to send her a few  bucks  myself.'

___________________________________________


An  old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can  remove a curse he
has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but  you will have to tell me the exact words
that  were used to put the curse on you.'

The old  man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you  man and
wife.'

___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To  Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all  matches.

2. There are no dental  records.

___________________________________________

A  blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you  tell me how long
it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a  minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and  hangs up.

___________________________________________

Moe:  'My wife got me to believe in  religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe:  'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in  Hell.'

___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and
asks him  how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't  like the four letter-words the doctor used  in
surgery,' he answered.

'What did he  say,' asked the  nurse.

'Oops!'

___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely  finished, when there was massive clap
of  thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of  lightning, accompanied by
even more thunder  rumbling in the distance...

The little old  man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well,  she's
there.'
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on October 26, 2011, 01:42:10 AM
Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knocks the mini Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window, leans out and shouts, "GET THE f*** OFF OUR CAR!"
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on October 26, 2011, 01:42:52 AM
Stranger At The Window



Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up.

After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.

The passenger screamed, "Look at he window. There's an old ghost's face there!"

The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window.

The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"

The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"

The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.

A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.

The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now."

All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.

"There he is again," the passenger yelled.

He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked.

The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"

They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.

"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"

The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on December 02, 2011, 06:55:16 PM
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, "I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend
to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful, antique
pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special
watch.

It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch
gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the
watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it
slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a
hundred pieces.

"s**t!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center .

Claude was never invited back to entertain.
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on February 29, 2012, 04:33:36 PM
Lilisa:  Is your story a joke? Because if it is, I don't get it.
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on February 29, 2012, 04:33:57 PM
A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn. I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on February 29, 2012, 04:35:03 PM
There once was a religious young man who went to Confession. Upon entering
the confessional, he said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' The young man said, 'Last night my girlfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.' The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' The young man asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on February 29, 2012, 04:37:07 PM
I'm on a 30 day diet program.  The first thing I lost is my TEMPER.   >:(
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on February 29, 2012, 04:43:17 PM
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
 Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on March 01, 2012, 03:53:05 AM
One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was, and he had his hand down his pants. The Teacher asked, "Johnny, what are you doing?"
 Then, Johnny said, "It hurts down there." "Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home", said the teacher.A little while later, Johnny came back to classroom and sat back down. Then the teacher came to the back of the room again, and he had his privates hanging out of his pants. The teacher said, "Johnny, what's that doing hanging out of your pants?!" Then Johnny said, "My mommy said if I can stick it out until noon, she'll come and pick me up."
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on March 03, 2012, 11:15:38 PM

BE NICE TO YOUR NURSE...
 A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
 He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
 The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.
 She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
 After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out.
 He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.
 After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"
 After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on March 03, 2012, 11:16:29 PM
The Devil walked into a crowded bar. Within seconds the bar emptied with people running out screaming all over the place, all except for one old man. The Devil wandered across to the old man and said, “Do you know who I am?” The old man took another sip of his beer and answered, “Yep.” The Devil stared at the old man and asked, “Well aren’t you afraid?” The old man looked the Devil up and down for a minute and shrugged, “nah, I’ve been married to your sister for 40 years. Why the hell should I be scared of you?”
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on March 06, 2012, 03:43:29 AM
Looking in the mall for a nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its sexy lingerie. To my delight, I found just

what I was looking for. Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same item.

This confirmed what I suspected all along: despite being nearly sixty, I still have a very "with it" attitude!

"I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the twenty-something behind me.

"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for Grandma."
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on March 06, 2012, 03:43:53 AM
Dora Evans made a nice living running her mobile concession truck. She would find out where the local movie company was shooting on location and park her truck, which she called “The Box”, near-by.

Technicians and actors alike would stop by for some pastry and coffee during breaks from shooting.

The director was shooting the most important scene in the movie. In this scene the lovers walking along a deserted beach decide to break off their relationship and return to their respective spouses to live the rest of their lives with only the memory of their short interlude to comfort them in the years ahead.

He had shot the scene several times in order to insure that he had obtained the most dramatic effect.

That evening, on reviewing the daily takes, he was shocked to find every take was spoiled.

As the stars were talking, the camera swept around the surrounding loneliness of the empty beach.

But in every take, there was the concession truck with several people enjoying its wares.

He immediately called his cinematographer and shouted angrily,

“I told you never to pan Dora’s Box.”
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on March 06, 2012, 03:44:39 AM
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister… After a while he asked:

‘Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?’

 

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was.. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more.

Melanie said, ‘If you don’t remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.’

 

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night ‘I love you so much that when you die I’m going

to bury you outside my bedroom window.’

 

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle.

Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her.

Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: ‘How does it know it’s me?’

 

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. ‘Please don’t give me this juice again,’

she said, ‘It makes my teeth cough..’

 

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: ‘How much do I cost?’

 

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom asked what was troubling him,

 he replied, ‘I don’t know what’ll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?’

 

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant.

Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: ‘Why is he whispering in her mouth?’

 

TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew.

Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, ‘Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?’

 

JAMES (age 4)was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: ‘The man named Lot was warned to take his

wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.’

Concerned, James asked: ‘What happened to the flea?’
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on March 06, 2012, 03:45:48 AM
The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border.

Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations.

Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.

One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has

come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States.

We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"

"What do I think?" his mother said. "Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept!

I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on March 06, 2012, 03:46:34 AM
An exhausted looking blond dragged herself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my

neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications.

"Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, it's no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the blond wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally

catch one, it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on March 06, 2012, 03:48:27 AM
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.

They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she

had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said

she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took the shoe box to his wife’s bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and

a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.

‘When we were to be married,’ she said, ‘my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue.

She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.’

The old man was so moved to tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times

in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

‘Honey,’ he said, ‘that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?’

‘Oh,’ she said, ‘that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.’
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on March 06, 2012, 03:49:24 AM
Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: 100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."

 

Q: How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.

 

Q: How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: That's electric's job.

 

Q: How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: It's not a bulb, it's a globe.

 

Q: How many Directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Just one... but how do you get him in there with the cute blonde?

 

Q: How many Directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Just one more, guys, I promise.

 

Q: How many Cinematographers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Just one, if he's got a good crew to do it.

 

Q: How many Cinematographers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. No, two. No... How many do we have on the truck?

 

Q: How many Superstar Actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One: They just hold it and the whole world revolves around them.

 

Q: How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Does it have to be a light bulb? I've got this neat candle holder...

 

Q: How many editors does it take to change a light bulb?

A: If we change the light bulb, we'll have to change everything!

 

Q: How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.

 

Q: How many Camera Assistants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Five: One to do it and four to tell you how they did it on the last job.

 

Q: How many Wardrobe people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: "Nobody said I needed doubles on that!"

 

Q: How many Production Assistants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Nine. One to do it and eight others to wish they'd been asked.

 

Q: How many Production Assistants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: What's a light bulb?

 

Q: How many over eager Production Assistants does it take to screw in a li...

A: Done!

 

Q: How many Executive Producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Executive Producers don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.

 

Q: How many Agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Actually, agents will screw in just about anything.

 

Q: How many Studio Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: We don't know. Light bulbs last longer than studio executives.

 

Q: How many Development Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Well, first let's talk about the concept behind this whole "light bulb" thing.

 

Q: How many Development Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two. One to take notes while the other screws it into the faucet.

 

Q: How many Screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: The bulbs IN and it's staying IN!

 

Q: How many Sound Recordists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: WHAT?

 

Q: How many 1st Assistant Directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Why the f--k are you asking me that question? Can't you see I'm busy!

 

Q: How many 2nd Assistant Directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Uh...standby, I'll check on that.
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on March 06, 2012, 03:53:37 AM
Recently, the wife and I had the opportunity to take a fishing trip down the Wisconsin River. We'd been doing ok,

your basic river fishing morning, until it happened. We noticed a Pinion tree that seemed to have been struck by

lightning, leaving it half in the water with its trunk on shore.

I noticed just under the trunk of the tree the fanning tail of a very large Bass. I told my wife, cast your lure onto

the shore along the tree and slowly pull it into the water so that bass will nab it. So she did. Repeatedly, with no luck.

"Try a different lure," I said. She did over and over, but nothing. Now being the expert I am, I said "Let me try".

Over and over I tried, but nothing. That fish was driving us both nuts.

A midsize Grey Squirrel appeared on the base of the tree trunk, it had noticed a Pinion nut on one of the branches

of the tree about two feet above the water. With its hind legs grasping the trunk of the tree, it leaned forward with

its front paws to grab the nut, as soon as its front paws touched that nut the biggest bass I’ve ever seen jumped out

of the water and engulfed that squirrel.

We fell to our seats, with our jaws on the floor, thinking what the hell was that! We had never seen a bass so large

and capable. My wife and I both agreed that was the most amazing thing we'd ever seen!

 

For at least for 5 minutes... until that same bass came out of the water and placed another Pinion nut on that branch.
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on March 06, 2012, 04:38:42 AM

The Rookie Cop...
 
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people." A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again..."I SAID, let's get off that corner... NOW!"
 Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.
 Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" Pretty good," chuckled the vet cop, "especially since this is a bus stop!"
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on March 24, 2012, 02:55:59 AM
An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat." "But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: Geologist on March 24, 2012, 07:56:22 AM
Howdy sweet SWEEEET  :D Verbie

remember me?  >:(

Sorry :P

Love the title of dis tread  :-[

Best wishes my friend  :)

Hi Ken! Hi Verbie!
A BIG HI TO YOU, GEOLOGIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D  How are you doing?  :)

Back at ya again - thanks for all the funnies and keep'em coming!
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: alijutt8 on March 24, 2012, 12:14:49 PM
sounds good to me will come back soon and leave further comments
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on March 25, 2012, 02:41:58 PM

One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra
 in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he'd like to personal...ly thank the person who had placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on March 25, 2012, 02:43:44 PM

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my hoss?"...... he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one in the bar answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my hoss ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I done in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I done in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles up and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say pardner, before you go ... What happened in Texas?"
 
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on March 25, 2012, 04:06:44 PM

A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm
 and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer,
 "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."
 The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field."
 The Highways employee said,
 "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want.
 See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."
 So the old farmer went about his farm chores.
 Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee
 running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull.
 The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets,
 and was gaining on the employee at every step!!
 The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on March 25, 2012, 05:19:35 PM

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick, and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis"?
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being ...with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he said, turned to the man and apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't Father, but I just read in the paper that the Pope has Arthritis."
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on March 28, 2012, 03:10:53 AM
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas. Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment....... Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for my call."
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on March 28, 2012, 03:21:08 AM
An Arab enters a taxi cab in Dallas , Texas

Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and; in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music, which is music of the infidel's and certainly no radio .

 So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, pulls over to the side, stops the cab and opens the back door.

 The Arab asks him: “What are you doing man?”

 The Texan answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis.
 So get your ass out and wait for a camel.”

You gotta love Texas
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on April 04, 2012, 04:18:40 PM
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on May 03, 2012, 04:31:14 PM

One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there. Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come.
 
Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house.
 Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all ...the way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in. Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?"
 
Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!"
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on May 03, 2012, 04:33:50 PM
As a stranger entered a little country store, he noticed a sign warning, "Danger! Beware of dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner. "Yep, that's him," came the reply.
 
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!"
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on May 03, 2012, 04:34:38 PM

Three women are out clubbing and they spot a club that says, "Women Only."
Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The first floor has a sign on the door that reads, "All men here are short and plain." The women laugh and continue up to the second floor. The sign reads, "All men here are tall and plain."
Still this isn't good enough, and the women proceed to the third floor.
"All men here are short and handsome." The women still want more and go to the fourth floor, where the sign reads, "All men here are tall and handsome." This is perfect and the women are preparing to go in, when they realise that there is still one more floor.
They go up one floor and read the sign. "There are no men here. This floor is built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on May 03, 2012, 04:35:24 PM
On their wedding night, the young bride told her groom, "Since we're married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening if my hair is done, that means I don't want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex. Last....if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex..."

The groom replied: "Okay sweetheart. Just make we aware that when I come home, I usually have a drink... If I have only one drink, that means I don't want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not be wanting sex. But if I drink more than two.... your hair won't matter! ."
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on May 03, 2012, 04:38:05 PM
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing
my Drums.
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on May 12, 2012, 12:04:51 AM
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
 
The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' And out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die! She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over, and that it is just not appropriate...
 
The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.’
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on May 12, 2012, 12:11:54 AM

Lipstick
 According to a news report, a certain private school recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of older school girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
 
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee cloth, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
 
There are teachers, and then there are educators...!!!
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on May 12, 2012, 12:17:33 AM

Wife to Husband (on the Phone): "Hey baby, what you doing???"
 
Husband: "Listen, I am really busy! Don't have time to talk at all."
 
Wife: "Well baby, I have a Good news and Bad news for you. You want to hear them?"
 ...
Husband: "Just tell me the Good news, I don't have time for the Bad!"
 
Wife: "Okay, Good news is the Air Bags of your New BMW work absolutely FINE!!!"
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on May 12, 2012, 12:19:04 AM

A guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks: “Whats the first thing you notice about me?”
The guy responds: “Why, You don’t have any ears.”
Interviewer: “Get out! Send in the next guy.”
Second guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks: “What’s the first thing you notice about me?”
The guy responds: “You don’t have any ears.”
Interviewer: “Get out! Send in the next guy.”
This guy on the way out says to the third guy “What ever you do, don’t say anything about his not having any ears - He’ll kick you right out.”
Third guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks: “What’s the first thing you notice about me?”
The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, “You wear contact lenses don’t you.”
The interviewer says: “That’s impressive that you’re so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?”
Third guy: “Because you don’t have any damn ears to hang glasses on.”
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on May 12, 2012, 12:20:27 AM

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).
 If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely.
 If you come in contact with this WORK, you should immediately take at least two of your friends to the nearest "Biological Anxiety Relief" (BAR) centre to take at least one of the following antidotes:
 "Work Isolating NeutralizerExtract" (WINE),
 "Radioactive UnWORK Medicine"(RUM),
 "Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter"(BEER) ,
 "Vaccino Offico Depression Killing Antigen"(VODKA) and continue its dosage till WORK is eliminated from your system completely.
 Please forward this message to all your friends and save their lives.
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on May 12, 2012, 12:21:12 AM
F TO VEGAS!
 A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed. `Just where the heck do you think you`re going!`, said the man. `I`m going to Las Vegas`, said the wife, `I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free! `The man said, `Wait a minute!`, and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand. `Where the heck are you going?`, said the wife.
 The man said, `I want to see how you`re gonna live on $800 a year!`
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on May 12, 2012, 12:22:06 AM
I gave my girlfriend a gluestick instead of Lipstick yesterday.
 
She's still not talking to me...
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on May 12, 2012, 12:24:29 AM
I was smoking some weed and police saw me through the walls of my house and arrested me..
 
moral of the story...'People who live in glass houses should not get stoned'
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on May 13, 2012, 03:05:12 AM
My girlfriend was screaming at me.
 
"Leave!! Get out this house!" she ordered.
 
As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
 
So I turned around and replied, "Wait, so you want me to stay?"
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on May 23, 2012, 06:36:33 PM
The Golfer and the Blonde

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf
balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blond.

The puzzled blond kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "Golf balls."

The blond continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply
about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain
her curiosity any longer, she asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on June 27, 2012, 11:59:23 PM
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning

A small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far
and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on June 28, 2012, 12:03:39 AM
Two blonds were sipping their Starbuck's when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blond #1.
"Do what?" asked Blond #2.




"Send my lawn out to be mowed."
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on September 28, 2012, 12:01:28 AM
Went to sign up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing... If I had loose fitting clothing I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on September 28, 2012, 12:02:00 AM

A couple go on holiday to a fishing resort.

 The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

 One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies (thinking it was obvious). "You're in a restricted fishing area" he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I am reading" she replies. "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up'' the warden says. "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault" says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you!" says the game warden.

 "That's true, but you have all the equipment."
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on October 02, 2012, 12:01:12 AM
He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school
 
classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.
 
This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower throwing admiring glances across the table.
 
The widow smiling coyly back at him.
 
Finally he picked up courage to ask her "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration she answered "Yes... yes I will!"
 
The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say yes

or did she say no?? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the
 
conversation of the previous evening but his mind was blank.
 
He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response.

With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't

remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening.

As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did

you say yes or did you say no?"
 
"Why you silly man, I said yes. Yes I will. And I meant it with all my heart!"
 
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.
 
She continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me"...
 
~~~~~~~~~~~

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, an inquiry begins.
 
One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement.

"OK Simpson," says the investigator "You were near the scene - what happened?"

"Old Charley in the mixing room, I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up".
 
"He was smoking in the mixing room?" "How long had he been with the company?"
 
"About 20 years, sir"
 
"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would
 
have been the last thing he'd have done".
 
"It was, sir".
 
~~~~~~~~~~

The wife left a note on the fridge door

"It's not working and I can't take it anymore!! I've gone to stay at my mum's!"
 
I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold... who knows what she was on about!
 
~~~~~~~~~

When I was a child in the 1950's, the bathing suit for the mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced,
 
not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

 
The mature woman has a choice: she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral
 
suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can
 
wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts
 
 to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

 
What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known
 
as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material.
 
The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot,
 
which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from
 
shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

 
I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs
 
had disappeared! Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other.
 
At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups.
 
The mature woman is now meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my
 
speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

 
The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest

of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head
 
through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit. I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked

what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a
 
floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.
 
 
 
I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant
 
with triplets and having a rough day. I tried on a black number with a midriff fringe and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

 
Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top.
 
It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.

When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become transparent in water."
So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the

one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth..'
=======
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
========
"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning

and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
========
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find

a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times.
 
If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years.

If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
========
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news.

The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.

The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
========
While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had

a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...
 
"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.
 
Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
========
A Sunday School teacher began with, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
========
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.

The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him.

Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay.

It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
========
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
========
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea

and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
========
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more

money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the
 
regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute..

The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll
 
have to think of something to play after I make  the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof

repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more.

Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
~~~~~~~~~~

It just hit me!
 
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
 
He has his food prepared for him.
 
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
 
He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year, for any medical needs.
 
For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
 
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs.
 
He is not required to do any upkeep.
 
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
 
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
 
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
 
He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
 
All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.
 
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick ……….
 
My dog is a CONGRESSMAN !!!!
 
~~~~~~~~~

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and
 
a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.
 
"Could you taste this for me, please?"
 
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
 
It tasted unpleasant.
 
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
 
"No, not at all," says the chemist, pulling a face.
 
"That's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come and get my urine tested for sugar."
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The pastor of a Baptist church had called all of the little children to the front of the church,

dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him. He said "Today is Easter and

you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection.

Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"

One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said "Please tell us what the resurrection is."
 
The boy said, "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few days ago my best friend from
 high school sent me a 'Viet Nam Veteran' cap.
I never had one of these before, and I was pretty hyped about it, especially because my friend

was considerate enough to take the time to give it to me.
Yesterday, I wore it when I went to Wal*Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed; but,

since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Wal*martians is always good for some comic relief.

Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment.

But, I digress...enough of my psychological fixations.

 
While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked,

"Are you a Viet Nam Vet?" "No," I replied.
"Then why are you wearing that cap?"
"Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812." I thought it was a snappy retort.
"The War of 1812, huh?" the Walmartian queried, "When was that?"
God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "1936," I answered.
He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"
"It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it." This was beginning to be way fun!
"Dude! Really?" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"
I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said,

"I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."
"Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously awesome!

But, didn't you kind of stand out?"
"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage."
The moron nodded knowingly.

 
"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this.

It's still 'top secret' and I shouldn't have said anything."
"Oh yeah?" he gave me the 'don't threaten me look.' "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"
With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you?

We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?"
The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door.

By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.

 
After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman.
 
Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another 'deadly' serious look,
 
I made the 'I see you' gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.
 
What a great time! Tomorrow I'm going back with a Homeland Security cap.
Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of cap!
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on November 16, 2012, 01:00:27 AM
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said "Fried chicken".

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.
 
My parents told me to always be truthful, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
 
I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
 
He said they love animals very much. I do too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
 
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened and he laughed too.

Then he told me not to do it again.
 
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken.
 
She asked why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
 
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
 
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it.
 
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her "Colonel Sanders". Guess where I am now...
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on November 16, 2012, 01:02:05 AM
A Mexican named Juan decided that he might be able to supplement his income by investing in, breeding,

and selling tropical birds. He began by buying a large red-billed toucan and started to raise it in an attempt
 
to discover if he had a flair for handling birds.
 
He soon discovered that the care and feeding of his rare tropical toucan was costing much more than he had
 
originally anticipated. Juan tried to save money by sacrificing his own dietary well being and began living on
 
basic staples like rice and beans. Unfortunately, the bird was still very expensive to feed and care for.
 
Juan experimented. He began feeding his bird the same food he ate.
 
He was surprised to discover that the bird flourished.
 
The toucan did wonderfully well eating the same inexpensive food as Juan.
 
The bird particularly liked rice and beans.
 
Juan became famous in the annals of bird breeding when it was discovered that toucan live as cheaply as Juan.
 
~~~~~~~~~~

A man walks into a store that sells bees and the honey they make. "The Bee Store," it is called.

He approaches the clerk behind the counter. "I’d like ten bees, please," he says.
 
"The standard honey bees?" the clerk asks. "Yes, please," the man replies.

The clerk retrieves a large jar, puts the bees inside and brings it to the man.
 
He looks at the bees in the jar. "You made a mistake," he says. "There are 11 bees in here."
 
"I know," the clerk replies. "The extra one is a free bee."
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on November 16, 2012, 01:08:16 AM
A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
 
A spokesman for the channel said "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humor" but we
 
know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on November 16, 2012, 01:10:11 AM
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community.

A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench.
 
After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'
He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'
'So, where were you all these years?'
'In prison,' he says.
'Why did they put you in prison?'
He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'
'Oh!' smiled the woman. 'So you're single...?!'
Title: Re: a nude man and a nude woman
Post by: verbie on January 10, 2014, 12:48:03 AM
A man runs into a gas station, obviously very flustered.
The attendant asks, "You look like you've seen a ghost. What happened?"
The man looks at the attendant and says, in a very shaky voice, "It's horrible. 
Someone just broke into my car when I came in to pay for my gas a minute ago."
The attendant says, "Oh my."
The man continues, losing more coherence as he speaks, "I had a ticket to the Justin Bieber concert 
on Sunday sitting on the dashboard..."
The attendant asks, "Did they take your ticket?"
The man says, barely able to speak at this point, "No, worse. They left another one."
~~~~~~~~~~~
As Franz Kafka awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed into a raging bull elephant. 
He charged around his room with his trunk sticking up making loud trumpeting noises.
The picture of the lady in furs came crashing down, the vase of anemones tipped over.
Suddenly afraid that his family might discover him, Franz stuck his enormous head out of the window
overlooking the courtyard. But it was too late. 
His parents and sisters had already been awakened by the racket, and rushed into his room. 
All of them gasped simultaneously as they stared at the great bulk of Franz’s rump.
Then Franz pulled his head and turned toward them, looking sheepish.
Finally, after an awkward couple of minutes, in which no one spoke, Franz’s mother went over,
 rested her cheek against his trunk and said, "Are you ill, dear?"
Franz let loose a bloodcurdling blast, and his mother slipped to the floor.
Franz’s father was about to help her but noticed the anemones tipped over on the table. 
He threw them out the window, saying, "With Franz like this, who needs anemones?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now. 
********
I tried to catch some fog. I mist. 
********
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. 
********
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
********
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. 
********
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. 
********
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me
********
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. 
********
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down. 
********
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words . 
********
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.  
********
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. 
********
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory-- I hope there's no pop quiz.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two archeologists, exploring a remote mountain in Tibet, came across a huge granite statue which
resembled a sitting man. It stood almost 400 foot tall, and its bodily details were accurate down 
to the fingernails and teeth.
"It looks real enough to talk," says one.
"Lets try," says the other, and turning to the statue he asks it its name. No answer.
"How old are you?" No answer.
Finally, one shouts out, "What is the square root of 64?"
Suddenly, the mountain shakes as the giant statue rises onto its feet and puts it's hand on its chin.
Then after about ten seconds, the statue answers in a roaring voice, "EIGHT!"
Of course," says the first scientist, "It only stands to reason."
~~~~~~~~~
My oldest sister had made a salad for dinner and served it on everyone's plate before we sat down. 
Coming to the table, Dad caught my four-year-old sister, Amy, poking his salad and told her to stop.
Amy was very quiet all through dinner.
Finally, when the meal was over, Dad asked her, "Amy, why were you playing with my food?"
"I was trying to get the fly out," she replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every night, Frank went down to the liquor store, bought a six pack, brought it home, and drank it while watching TV.
One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there.
The bug grabbed him by the collar, threw him across the room, and left.
The next night, after he finished his fourth beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same
six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his first beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there.
This time he kneed Frank in the balls and hit him behind the ear, doubling him over in pain, then left.
The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out
of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor.
The next day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights.
"What can I do?" he pleaded. 
"Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around".
~~~~~~~~~~~
After all these years of trying I've finally found my wife's G spot.
Would you believe her sister had it all this time!!
~~~~~~~~~~
The priest of a small Irish village was very fond of the ten chickens (plus one cock rooster) he kept in a hen house
behind the parish manse. One Saturday night, the cock rooster was missing, and as that was the time the priest
suspected cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to say something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation "Has anyone got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no" he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no" he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anyone seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, no" he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen my cock?"
All the choir boys stood up.
~~~~~~~~~~~
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. 
They went shopping at a kennel specializing in this particular breed, and found a dog they liked a lot. 
When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. 
When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity.
They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).
That night they had friends over for dinner. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog 
and his major skills, they had the dog show off a little. 
The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, too.
This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about 'normal' tricks.
"Well," they said, "let's try this out." 
Once more they called out to the dog, and then clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head...
~~~~~~~~~~~
In case you're having a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals.
The funny thing is that it really works and will make you smile.
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so clear that you can make out the face of the Politician you are holding underwater
See it worked! You're smiling. You feel better already!
~~~~~~~~~~
WARNINGS
On a salt packet: "Warning: Contains salt."
On a can of aerosol cheese: "For best results, remove cap."
On an information booklet: "Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet."
On air freshener: "For use by trained personnel only."
On dog medicine: "Alcohol may intensify the effects."
On rubbing alcohol: "Avoid contact with eyes, ears, brain, and surrounding membranes."
On a letter opener: "Safety goggles recommended."
On a travel pillow: "Do not use while sleeping."
On a dust mask: "Does not supply oxygen."
On a disposable razor: "Do not use during an earthquake."
On a box of dice: "Not for human consumption."
On a toy called Rubber Band Shooter: "Caution: Shoots rubber bands."
On a bicycle: "Removing the wheel can influence the performance of the bicycle."
On a disc-shaped chocolate: "Do not place chocolate into any electronic equipment."
On a cleaner for eyeglasses: "Not for or direct use in eyes."
On a birthday badge for two-year-olds (says "I am 2"): "Not to be used by children under 3 yrs. of age."
On a dishwasher: "Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher."
On a can of tuna: "Caution: Contains fish."
On toilet bowl cleaner: "Safe around pets and children, although it’s not recommended that either be
                                    permitted to drink from the toilet."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ad for a $5000, 27ft sailboat
What does Captian Kirk, Popeye, Captain Hook and Tommy Lee have in common?
They are all bad ass people. Why? Because they were all in command of ships.
You should be in command of a ship. You should buy my boat.
I can offer you the opportunity to be in command of this Catalina 27 sailing ship for
about the cost of a lot of the stupid stuff you bought, buy or are thinking about buying.
...I understand you have many options on how to spend your free time.
How you choose to recreate says a lot about a human being.
What I am offering you is the open Pacific Ocean, fishing, going to islands, breathing salty air at sea,
breathing atomic four gas powered exhaust fumes, drinking rum, drinking whiskey, drinking cheap beer,
drinking expensive beer, drinking the dead sea monkeys floating in the drink that your friend backwashed,
spear fishing anything that moves, endless supply of gold colored fish to make into tacos, trapping crabs,
getting crabs, free membership to hbyc, a money pit, a fist pumping teeth grinding laser eating dance platform,
a new kitchen, a boom that might hit you in the head, a $270 slip fee, the ability to t-bone a stand up paddle
boarder, the ability to bbq a t-bone steak, the ability to bone in the v-birth, the chance to see whales,
the improved chance to bring a whale out of najas and tying knots.
These are fine things. These are gentlemanly things.
They certainly beat sitting in car traffic towing your sand rail or three wheeler past a bunch of meth labs to Glamis,
or driving a boat in circles in the std filled cesspool commonly referred to as "the river", or any other so called lake.
Does a real man or woman want to recreate in a standing pool of "fresh water" or in a hot desert with a bunch of
drunk yahoos with engines strapped to their backs?
~~~~~~~~~~
A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says: "No way. I don’t think you can pay for it."
The guy says, "You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain’t risqué."
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar
and it runs to the end of the bar, climbs down the bar, runs across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard
and starts playing a tune. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, "You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano."
The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle, or else no drink", says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing.
He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy
and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says, "It’s a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog.
The stranger runs out of the bar.
The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300?
It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."
~~~~~~~~~~
A very small, mousy man was hired as a bartender in the Old West. 
The saloon owner advised him ,"If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for your life."
The bartender worked for six months with no problems.
Then one day a cowboy rushed in shouting, "Big John’s a-comin’!"
In his hurry to get out, he knocked the small bartender to the floor.
Before the bartender could recover in came a giant of a man with a black, bushy beard.
He rode in through the swinging doors on the back of a buffalo, using a rattlesnake for a whip.
The man tore the doors off of their hinges, knocked over tables, and slung the snake into the corner. 
Gimme a drink," he yelled, as he split the bar in half with a pound of his massive fist.
The bartender nervously pushed a bottle toward the man.
He bit off the top of the bottle with his teeth, chugged the contents in one gulp and turned to leave. 
Realizing that the man wasn’t hurting anyone, the bartender asked if he’d like another drink.
"Ain’t got no time," the man roared, "Big John’s a comin’ to town."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Russian couple, were walking through Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining," he said to his wife. 
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. 
"No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said. 
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major fight about whether it was rain or snow,
when they saw Comrade Rudolph, a Communist Party official, walking toward them. 
"Let's not fight," the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." 
Approaching Comrade Rudolph, they asked, "Tell us, Comrade, is it officially raining or snowing?" 
"It's raining, of course," Comrade Rudolph replied, and walked on. 
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" 
To which the man quietly replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dodge City was a rough town. Nevertheless, it had an excellent theatre group. 
One time it planned to perform the Swan Lake Ballet.
On the day of dress rehearsal, it was discovered that moths had gotten into the tutus.
Everything was ruined. The producer placed a call to the Acme Costume Company in Wichita 
and learned they had plenty of tutus. The proprietor promised to ship the much needed garments over on
a special train. They should arrive in plenty of time for the opening.
Back at Dodge, everyone was in a big hurry. Someone needed to go down to the depot and fetch the tutus. 
Butch, the biggest, toughest guy in town offered to do it . So he went to the station and sat down.
When the station master saw Butch, he went over and asked if he might be of help.
Butch replied, "Thanks, but I’m just waiting for the tutu train."
~~~~~~~~~~~
Patrick O'Reilly was lucky.  
Since the day he had found that four-leaf clover, everything good seemed to come his way. 
He had met the wonderful Rosie, and after a whirlwind romance, they were married. 
And now, a year later, he was the proud father of beautiful twins, a boy and a girl. 
At work, the story was the same. 
He had been promoted and had received a substantial raise; now the firm had come up with a profit-sharing plan!  
Paddy was certain his good fortune was due to his four-leaf clover.  
Everywhere he went, he was certain to be carrying the talisman in his suit pocket. 
One morning, Paddy could not find the clover. He searched the house, but it was not there. 
In a panic, he tried to recall when he had last seen it. 
He finally recalled it was in his grey suit he had dropped off at the dry cleaners. 
He rushed to the cleaners, only to find that the work had been completed and his suit was ready to be picked up. 
He searched the suit, and found the four-leaf clover, still in one piece, but now flattened from the dry cleaning. 
From that day on, Paddy's fortunes changed. 
Life was good, but was no longer perfect, the little inconveniences were always there. 
He had a flat tire as he was driving to an important meeting.  
The twins developed measles when his boss and his wife were over for dinner.  
No, Paddy's luck (and life) had changed dramatically. 
He still carried the amulet, but he was certainly not living under the silver lining he was used to, and had come to expect.
Finally, he had had enough, and visited the parish priest to see if he could help him understand what had happened.
"This certainly was to be expected," he was told. "Ye should have known... one should never press one's luck!"
~~~~~~~~~~~
Prince Stone had an enormous moth collection. He had large moths, small moths, moths of all kinds.
When King Stone decided to retire and pass his crown to the prince, he told the boy he must first
dispose of the moth collection and find another hobby.
"Why is that, father?" inquired the prince.
"Because", replied the old man, "A ruling Stone gathers no moths!"
~~~~~~~
I was sitting next to a priest, in a pub in Boston, having Irish bean soup and raving about it.
He offered that "the Irish have a strict rule that this soup have no more than 239 beans per serving.’
I asked, "Why the strict rule?"
And in his finest Irish brogue he explained, "If we added just one more bean it would be too farty."
~~~~~~~~~
George and Aggie lived on a cove on Lake Manitoba.
It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over. 
George asked Aggie to walk across the frozen part of the cove to get him some smokes and beer.
She asked for money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab. Old man Stacey won't mind."
So Aggie walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer then walked home across the cove.
When she got home with the items she said, "George, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey's,
so why didn't you just give me some money?"
"Well, Aggie, I didn't want to send you out there with cash when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Husband lies dying, his wife is by his bedside..
He says in a weak voice "there is something I must confess".
"Shhhh" said the wife, " there is nothing to confess. Everything is all right. 
"No" the husband replied " I must die in peace. I had sex with your sister, your best friend,  
her best friend and your best friends mum!"
"I know," she whispered, "That's why I poisoned you. Now close your eyes".